Article: Ece Ürmez
“IN GOOD TIMES AND BAD DAYS, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, IN ABUNDANCE AND POVERTY, UNTIL DEATH DO US PART…” Aren’t these words, which we often come across in movies, romantic? Maybe the vows made at the wedding ceremony have not changed, but the way marriage is experienced seems to have changed a lot today. Likewise, I have been wondering for a long time; Why are those old loves not being experienced, why are those marriages that lasted for 60 years no longer exist? Generally, I just stay curious, because when I look around me consciously, I come across all kinds of people, from those who get divorced in two weeks to those who say ‘I will never get married’, and they disperse all those pink clouds and turn them into thunderous rain. That’s exactly why I decided to research all the variables related to marriage. What is the problem, I will solve it this time!
NO RETURN
The essence of the matter is actually social change. Because, as in many other issues, it causes changes in the gender roles of individuals and, accordingly, in the institution of marriage. Of course, although the complex nature of human relations does not allow for a generalization, the necessary and inevitable transformation of the roles assigned to men and women in today’s world can be considered the starting point of the whole story. We can say that the main issue is that this fact indirectly reshapes the family structure, redefines duties and responsibilities, and even changes the traditional marriage life. Of course, the main reason for this change is the increase in women’s economic freedom and the change in their role in the family. However, apart from all these, the change in the importance and meaning given to the institution of marriage also brings differentiation. All of these cause the patriarchal family system to be fundamentally shaken and the divorce rate to increase in direct proportion. So much so that we see that the beginning of the modernization process affected the cultural structure and led to a period of weakening in family relations. With the opening of the doors of an era where both men and women have to work, the cracks, fears and imbalances in family structures, as well as the increasing number of divorces and single-parent children, mean that married life is changing. When we look at the situation from a sociological perspective, the fact that the century we live in means the age of communication and the transformations in the basic characteristics of societies all over the world are redefining the understanding of marriage. The differentiated husband-wife relationship in the modern period also leads to a change in the status assigned to men and women. In other words, there is a transition from a structure with a clear distribution of roles to a structure where roles are shared. As you can see, after all these social transformations, even though we are trying to wake up to the situation and make a U-turn, it is useless. We have already entered a point of no return, we are already going. At this point, the words of Expert Psychological Counselor Seçil Özbeklik bring a very descriptive approach to the subject; “The situation of people establishing a bilateral bond in order to have children and raise them is almost as old as human history. As the way societies live changes, the meanings attributed to this bilateral relationship and the shape, structure and values of the relationship differ. The purposes of marriages, what type of relationships will be established through marriage, and what rights and responsibilities marriage will bring have frequently changed throughout history, from culture to culture, and even depending on different social classes in the same culture, and today they are also taking shape from the beginning. However, none of these changes reduce people’s desire to marry; It just makes them more afraid of marriage. For this reason, we can only say that the institution of marriage has changed shape, not dead.” The fact that even the concept of gathering and eating regularly within the family around the table is disappearing is the best evidence that all traditions and customs regarding marriage have been erased. However, didn’t our mothers, and especially our grandmothers, always say that you should set a table for your spouse and children every evening as if you were hosting a guest at home, and take care of them? This is perhaps the main thing that is lost; take care. Maybe this is what turns the old generation orders upside down, destroys love, and monotonizes relationships!
WHAT IS HAPPENING IN LIFE
“Until very recently, it was never acceptable to entrust an institution as serious as marriage to a feeling as fragile as love. However, extramarital relationships were considered the only environments in which the feeling of love could be experienced. In other words, the idea that mutual love, commitment, and emotional sharing is needed for marriage is the story of the last 50, or maybe even 100 years; Moreover, even today it plays a decisive role only in certain socio-cultural groups,” says Consultant Özbeklik. Nowadays, people are looking for love when they get married, but they give up so quickly. Because the value and respect given to the institution of marriage has decreased. Going back a little, the transition from extended family to nuclear family structure with the process of modernization and industrialization caused a decrease in the number of family members and a change in the distribution of duties. This new form and meaning began to transform the privacy of married life. Making the institution of marriage public and turning it into a public phenomenon, covering all kinds of issues on television and newspapers, and normalizing the distortions and problems in relationships began to affect the relationship between husband and wife, although unnoticed, but deeply. The fact that there are so many news of domestic violence, divorce and infidelity that we encounter every day and that they are discussed in front of the public and told through concrete people has caused all value judgments to be questioned and norms to change. Wedding programs, live broadcasting of first dates, and mediaization of spouse selection undermine the respect and seriousness of marriage. So, how correct is it to do the opposite, that is, to sanctify marriage? In fact, modern married couples have moved far away from this phenomenon. At this point, it is possible to say that they act more realistically and take their individual happiness into consideration first. It is not right to exaggerate or underestimate. Consultant Özbeklik supports this idea with the following words: “Marriage is not a sacred institution. “Almost all religions have put forward the idea that marriage is sacred by attributing some divine features to it, perhaps to ensure its continuity or to make it more difficult to end it.” However, the rapidly increasing number of divorces is the saddest proof that the understanding of marriage has changed. Consultant Özbeklik also touches on this issue; “The majority of women who are well-educated or whose financial income is good enough due to family ties or earnings now think about marriage almost only when they reach the age when they want to become mothers or because of their emotional needs. Women who think like this, and men who look at life from the same perspective, prefer divorce rather than staying in an unhappy marriage. Because today, people who live in separate houses or live separate lives despite being in the same house are now more likely to pursue legal divorce. In this way, they increase the possibility of entering into relationships in which they will fight less, be happier, and share more materially and spiritually in the later stages of their lives.” As can be understood from here, when the old situations such as being patient, dedicating one’s life, and submitting to one’s fate disappeared due to natural selection, individual happiness, selfishness, and egos began to rise and the duration of marriages began to decrease at the same pace.
AND THEN?
What happens next is actually like this: It is necessary to protect the reasons that push couples to spend time together in marriage. Otherwise, in modern marriages where everyone continues to live in their own order, the profiles of men and women who only share the same house but are basically unaware, independent and distant from each other could take over the whole world. Still, it is a fact that humans are not creatures programmed to live alone. As Consultant Özbeklik added; “The life we are born into is a path that is not easy to walk. We need to know and be able to trust that we are not alone on the path we walk, that we will be picked up when we fall, and that we will be found when we are lost. We know that our greatest pains decrease as they are shared, and our greatest happiness grows as they are shared. We desire the presence and continuity of a person, and if possible the same person, in our lives. However, in today’s changing society, especially in big city life, the resources with which we can meet these emotional needs are decreasing. In this context, no matter how much it has changed, marriage continues to promise the possibility that we can meet these emotional needs.” Yes, the institution of marriage is trying to take the shape of today’s container. However, despite all this change, it seems that this most basic institution of society will continue to exist until a new and different system that offers the positive life experiences offered by marriage is created. “Although it has been increasingly advocated recently that living together without a marriage contract can meet these needs, it is clearly experienced that marriage does not yet come close to what it promises, neither legally nor emotionally. Similarly, although the belief that ‘I can live alone and meet all my needs’ seems extremely realistic and appropriate, this idea can collapse at some stage in people’s lives because we are not creatures suitable for living alone,” emphasizes Consultant Özbeklik. As a result, in the spiral of the modern world, daily life practices, social conditions, preferences and habits leave irreversible traces on men and women, or rather, they cause a necessary transformation in relationships. Ultimately, only time will tell whether all these events mean that we are at the beginning of the road to the death of the institution of marriage! After all, would it be an exaggeration if we said that marriage is an institution that can continue because it fulfills some individual and social needs and because a better idea or system has not yet been put forward to replace it?