Writing: Elif Gursoy
While you are living a happy life with your spouse whom you married with great love, things can go upside down with “life conditions” or how you define it now. When you least expect it or within a certain period of time, there is no trace of your first times. All passion, respect or love between those two people who have been bonded with each other for years ends. They sit and talk or a decision is made to end the relationship with a quarrel. So what happens when you decide to remove your spouse, whom you married with great love years ago, from your life? What problems are most encountered during this period, and how should they be overcome? The answer to all these questions, Dr. Ps. We bought it from İlknur Yılmaz.
When does the word ‘divorce’ first come up in marriage? What steps does this process go through?
In marriages, the word divorce can be pronounced at any point in the marriage. The determining factor here is the accumulation of negative emotions in the person and people, rather than the year of marriage. If one or both of the partners has been experiencing a recurring problem for a while and feels that no solution has been reached, if the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness have started to dominate, then divorce may also appear as an agenda item. Taking the decision to divorce seriously is not an easy decision to make, no matter how many problems the couple goes through. Even though some couples say “Let’s get divorced, enough” during arguments and fights, they continue their marriage afterwards. Of course, the pronunciation of this word is an important signal and the couple needs to take this signal seriously and take steps to resolve recurring problems in their relationship.
Does marriage end when respect ends, or does it love love?
Respect and love have a separate place and importance in marriages. The absence of either of them creates a very fundamental problem. In my view, respect is a factor that should already be present in love. A loving person already respects both himself and his wife. He knows what he can and cannot change, he accepts the existence of his own individual space. If the love ends, the value, respect and tolerance felt for the other party begin to decrease. Sometimes when couples who come to me talk about their arguments for very simple reasons, I see that there is actually a lack of love and respect behind them. For example, someone who is told to squeeze his wife’s toothpaste in the middle actually wants to say something else, there is another unresolved love issue.
What problems cause divorce the most?
In the past, the grounds for divorce were classically due to issues such as gambling, alcohol, and infidelity. Of course, these problems are among the reasons that lead couples to divorce today. However, today we can see that divorce is based on many other factors. As a psychologist who works extensively with couples, I can say that the main reasons for divorce are the lack of communication between the spouses and the loss of the sense of intimacy. Couples who cannot speak openly about their problems, cannot express their expectations openly, and do not know how to talk and resolve when there are disagreements and disagreements, may start to distance themselves from each other after a while or may experience constant anger and intolerance towards each other. Another reason for divorce, which does not apply to Western countries but is effective in Eastern societies like ours, is problems with spouses’ own families, such as mother-in-law-bride conflicts. The fact that the couple cannot draw their own marriage boundaries and allow the families to intervene also creates an environment to undermine the happiness in marriage.
Do financial problems in marriage have different effects compared to other psychological reasons?
Both financial and psychological factors are effective in feeling happiness and peace in marriage. If financial problems are experienced periodically in marriage, if there is closeness between spouses and there is no other major problem, this does not affect their marriage much. If financial difficulties are experienced from the very beginning and a solution cannot be found, this situation damages the partner’s sense of security and casts a shadow over the marriage. One of the feelings that marriage provides especially for women is “feeling safe”. As defined in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the most basic human needs are physical and safety needs. The chronic existence of financial problems brings with it the inability to exceed these basic needs for the couple, and even if they have positive feelings for each other, it can be damaged after a while.
If there is a child in the family during the divorce process, what stance should be taken so that he or she is not affected?
In order for the child or children not to be affected during the divorce process, it is important that the parents do not witness their fights in the first place. Parents are adults and adults may not get along with each other and may feel negative feelings for each other. However, if the child is younger, he may feel intense guilt, thinking that he is the cause of arguments and fights. As a result, they may become withdrawn or exhibit behavioral problems. Mothers and fathers should also know that; The bond between mother-child and father-child is important separately, and the mother’s denigration of the father to the child, or vice versa, the father’s vilification of the mother has a negative impact on the child’s current psychological world and on the relationships he or she establishes with others in the future. After the parents decide to divorce, they should have a conversation with their children according to their age and get expert support on how to make this conversation.
What are the responsibilities of the families of the parties in this process?
The families of the divorced couple also have an important duty to not intervene. It is natural to experience ups and downs during this period. On top of that, if families step in and reflect their own feelings, this process becomes more painful. Of course, during this period, families can listen to their own children and, if they want, constructively offer their own solutions for the continuation of the marriage. However, this should not mean interfering or coercing. It should be the sole duty of family elders to always stay one step behind and show a supportive attitude when needed.
What does the success of therapy support depend on to save the marriage in this period?
In marriage therapy, if the love is not completely over, marriage therapy can help the couple to overcome this crisis. The therapy process allows the couple to understand how they got to the point of divorce under the guidance of an expert. The marriage therapist should make a relationship map by listening to the couple’s relationship from the beginning to the present. Elements that they don’t realize but have overshadowed happiness should make them see what one person’s behavior is causing in the other person’s world. It should do a double translation of the couple’s marriage, sort of. Often, when couples gain this awareness about their relationship and explore their underlying feelings, they begin to look at their marriage and their spouse from a different perspective. In this process, their relationship can be more sincere, close and stronger than before, with a special effort to take a step towards each other at the same time.
How should the couple follow a path so that even B of the divorce does not pass in the relationship?
Love and trust are essential values for a happy marriage. Everything else is built on them. In addition, couples with strong communication and close relationships lead a happy and fulfilling marriage. Marriage is like a journey consisting of different stops for couples who can see each other as a life partner and be mutually transparent and open their feelings. They know how to stand “side by side” in difficult times in marriage and in good times. A relationship where both people value and value each other cannot be divorced. Married couples need to know that everything in marriage starts after signing. The idea that “we got married anyway, our relationship runs on its own in a routine” basically sabotages happiness after a while, no matter how much love it is. It is necessary to work hard to protect love every day, to pay attention to the relationship, behavior and communication style.
* Taken from Formsante magazine.