Everything is fine, but some of the behavior and actions of your lover or spouse are a bit annoying to you! It’s a nation of men, which one is perfect? Okay, let’s not go too hard on them, it’s like we women are so perfect when we think about it… Even though we think “We should accept people as they are” and love Mevlana’s saying “I love creation, because of the Creator”, sometimes people say “Oh, I wish this and that He can’t help but say, “If only we could change its characteristics, I wish it wouldn’t behave like this.” If this person is a friend from outside, one can keep a distance, but if this person is a lover, one cannot stay away. So, he should update its version, and urgently. Just imagine, the man you love is in front of you and he is exactly what you want! Wouldn’t be bad, right? We got help on this issue from Family and Marriage Therapist Ebru Tuay Üzümcü! He gave us tips on how we can change the habits of men that we don’t like!
CASE 1
SHE DRESSES VERY BADLY
Of course, don’t forget to use a derogatory statement like, “You’re not thinking of going out with that thing you’re wearing, are you?” Also, what seems bad to you may represent a ‘style’ for him. So, how accurate would it be to consider yourself a fashion guru here? And remember, you’re not about the shirt, you’re about the man inside. However, if there is a seriously dire situation, you can say things like, “Honey, your blue shirt suits you very well,” “Do you want my opinion?” so that your own opinion is taken into account. or “These are not bad, but you have that gray suit, if you try that one, would it be better?” You can make approaches such as “Come on, give me a fashion show.”
Update your version! How can you guide him about clothes? In fact, of course, this idea must have already come to your mind: Go shopping with him! However, the main point here is that it is an effective and short shopping experience! Otherwise, he may not want you around again! For example, one day you may go to buy only trousers, and another day you may go only to buy a shirt. If you choose a few pairs of trousers at the destination and say, “Honey, which of these do you like?”, you will be both helpful and take control of the situation.
CASE 2
IT MIXES INTO YOUR CLOTHING
Whatever attitude we expect to see when we mix with his, we can do the same! Did you see? You fell into the flood. When you talk about his clothes, it’s good, when you talk about him, it’s bad! Okay, we are all women and we are on your side, not him, you are right!
Update your version! Rule 1: No harsh answers, angry attitudes, or sulks! Remember that you are a witty woman and bring humor into the mix. Let’s say you are told to wear heels. Then you can say, “You don’t want me to wear heels, but we women were created to walk on these long sticks!”
CASE 3
HE DOES NOT PAY ENOUGH CARE TO HIS CLEANLINESS.
Teeth that were not brushed, clothes left where they were taken off, and the smell of sweat… Under normal circumstances, if it were another man, we would say, “Ugh, disgusting.” However, when this person is a person’s lover, he just says ‘uh’ in his mind, omits ‘disgusting’, and adds an ‘off’ instead! Self-care skills such as cleaning are skills acquired in childhood, and if you try to teach them to an adult, you may be perceived as mothering them, which will negatively affect your relationship. So, it’s time to be honest, not to be a mother; Express your discomfort openly!
Update your version! Does it smell like sweat? There is such a simple way to tell him this: Just say, “Honey, you smell bad.” It’s not a bad idea to hug her when she gets out of the shower and say, “I love you when you smell like that!” It subtly conveys the message to your subconscious! Prefer direct statements about not brushing your teeth and being messy. If you’re complaining about his clutter, remind him how peaceful your tidy home is!
CASE 4
VERY JEALOUS
For some reason, it does not surprise us women that the answer to men’s expert question “What do women want?” has not yet been found; Because we don’t really know what we want either! If they don’t get jealous, it’s “Why isn’t he jealous?”, if they get jealous, it’s “Oh dear, I’m jealous too!”
Update your version! Unless you can suddenly make him someone who isn’t jealous. “Can you not be jealous of me, my dear?” Don’t expect to get the answer, “Okay, then I won’t be jealous anymore.” Let’s say this answer came out of your mouth; It cannot get out of the heart and mind that easily. So try this line: “You should talk to me about things you’re uncomfortable with. “I hope that the trust between us will improve over time.” Use plain and clear expressions like this, be descriptive and concise. Jealousy is a very important issue that affects the relationship; If the problem is serious, you can get help from an expert.
CASE 5
DOES NOT LIFT THE TOILET COVER
Here is the biggest nightmare of women for years! A man who does not lift the toilet seat and even leaves drops on it!
Update your version! If he forgets to lift the toilet lid and you haven’t gotten any results despite telling him this many times, try this: Paste a funny picture and note on the lid. For example, a frog with its mouth open and the words “Wait… Norr” written in the speech bubble. It is both funny and meaningful. We hope his sense of humor has improved!
CASE 6
ASOCIAL
Hmm, it’s a pretty difficult situation. You’re afraid to show him in public, he just stays silent, right? Well, the man is already restless, and if you put pressure on him, it will never be possible to get what you want.
Update your version! Make sure that their friend groups include people they like or invite people they feel close to. Don’t do the organizing alone, plan the programs together. Avoid surprise events! Make organizations for events that he likes but you are not very interested in. For example, if he likes it, go to the hippodrome with him, watch horse racing.
CASE 7
NOT ROMANTIC AT ALL
What do you think a romantic person is like? While we may conclude that our lover is unromantic, we often do so because he or she does not fit our own mold of romanticism. However, maybe he is a romantic and thoughtful person in his own way. However, if what he does has no place in your romantic framework, the situation can be intervened!
Update your version! Showing that you are aware of some subtleties in his behavior and sharing your satisfaction in this regard may motivate him to do more. For example, when he turns off the light – even if he did this to save energy – you can say, “Honey, you did a good job, it’s a more pleasant environment this way.” Also try to understand his idea of romance. What do you mean by romantic? Most of the time, more specific expectations such as sensitivity, compassion, and interest can emerge from the definition of romantic.
CASE 8
RUDE
In fact, this man was not like this at all in the beginning, he even opened the car door while you were getting in the car. These rude attitudes seem to have happened later and are not nice at all! He swears, speaks slang in front of your friends, and sometimes even insults you.
Update your version! The first step to ‘cutting down’ a rude man is for you to be polite. Open a conversation in a comfortable time, where there are no problems between you, and that you expect the same politeness from him. When you encounter a rude attitude, you can remind him/her by saying, “I understand what you want, but please remember what we talked about last night, I would prefer you to tell me this differently.” If he/she is disrupting you in the family and friends environment, bring up this issue after you have calmed down, not right then. The most important thing is that you share your own feelings about this situation. Saying “I don’t understand what you’re getting by doing this” is sharing thoughts, not emotions. Instead, if you say, “When you said that, I felt humiliated, I had the feeling that you did not value me,” you will have the chance to explain what you are experiencing about yourself. If he is arrogant and overconfident, arguing with him will do little other than feed his desire to be right. However, you can clearly express that you think differently. If you can’t talk without fighting, you can get professional help. As for swearing… If you feel uncomfortable, express it with humor.
CASE 9
HE CAN’T DANCE!
You love dancing, but he doesn’t like it at all. Or worse, he loves to dance, but he dances in such a way that it’s like you’ve held a chicken by its feet and it’s flapping its wings desperately!
Update your version! Dance is a way to express yourself and that’s how she expresses herself! Of course, it is a bad thing to label him as a bad dancer, but it seems that the village does not want a guide either. If you think it would be offensive to tell him this openly, enroll in a dance class immediately and go dancing together. The fact that he doesn’t like dancing is a different matter; Of course he has such freedom; Just like you have the freedom to love dancing. So don’t act as if this is strange; Just try to warm him up to dancing slowly. A less crowded place and fewer familiar people will be an ideal start for this business!
CASE 10
TOO MUCH INTERACTION WITH ALCOHOL
This is an extremely important and sensitive issue. If he drinks too much alcohol, his behavior changes when he drinks alcohol, and he cannot control himself, this indicates that he has a problem with alcohol use. You cannot do anything directly about this; But you can encourage him to do something.
Update your version! “I love you, but I can’t recognize you when you drink alcohol. This situation makes it impossible for us to be together in the long term. It is very important that you say “If you decide to get help, I will happily support you” and stay away from the relationship and him and keep your distance no matter what. It may be difficult, but you must make it clear that you will be part of the solution, not the problem. What he needs is a medical doctor who specializes in that field.
CASE 11
SMOKE
It was drilled into your head as a child that “kissing a man who smokes is like licking an ashtray”, but you went and found a man who smokes again.
Update your version! You probably don’t think of telling him, “It’s either the cigarette or me.” This threat, we are sorry, will not do any good. Of course, you can express that you do not like smoking; However, since it is up to him or her to drink or not, start by setting rules in your common living spaces. “Drinking only on the balcony!” like…
CASE 12
YOUR SEX LIFE IS BAD
You are not happy in bed and you don’t know what’s going on! You cannot talk about this openly with him, he may misunderstand you!
Update your version! Sex is the most private area between men and women and it is good to enjoy it! You should see sex as a situation that you will explore together. Talking about sex allows women and men to add their energy to the relationship and create a special space in each other’s lives.