Writing: Nilgun Yildiz Konakci
Yes, when it comes to cheating, the first thing that comes to mind is a man or woman who is not happy with their relationship and a monotonous life. Also being married and having children… But mostly a monotonous sex life comes. So why does sex, which is one of the most common reasons for cheating, take the relationship to this level? Why is it that sexuality cannot pass from being the leading actor of cheating to being an extra? Psychology Specialist Dr. Zafer Akıncı said, “The issue of cheating is somehow related to sexuality in all respects. Although some people say, ‘It has nothing to do with sex, we were just talking’, cheating is all about sex. Don’t we call it friendship or friendship, which has nothing to do with sex anyway?” says.
“Sex is an urge”
“Most of us misunderstand sexuality. Sexuality is not a desire, a sharing, an approach; It is an impulse,” said Dr. Akıncı continues: “If you notice, I say that drinking water for sex is an urge like eating. I say this based on scientific sources. Sharing, desire, approach and communication emerge as the advanced form of this impulse. That’s why all women and men involuntarily seek sexuality, even if they somehow change their definition in the deepest part of their subconscious. For this reason, great relationship theorists developed a definition called marital satisfaction.
The way to overcome cheating is through attention.
Preventing cheating and protecting marriages is something we all want, of course. Research on this topic is limited, but in a study by MD Buss, a list of the precautions people take against deception and the actions they take is examined and which ones are more effective. Results; It shows that controlling and emotionally manipulative tactics don’t work. What you need to do; to increase your spouse’s motivation and desire for you. Show him you care and love him. Improving your appearance to keep his attention on yourself. Here it is very important to discover what your partner really likes. Because making the changes made by someone else may not make your job much easier. The issue of sexual compatibility and taste is very personal indeed! If you make the right changes with the right timing, you can get magical results. The satisfactory results of this are known from both practice and research.
cheating with pregnancy
There is a serious relationship between pregnancy and sexual life, and this is one of the most sensitive points in marriages. Dr. Akıncı, “In a study in the Journal of Andrology, it is written that pregnancy negatively affects sexual intercourse in women. People who read this study thought that women were negatively affected by sexuality during pregnancy. However, it is known that the pregnancy process increases the sexual desire of women. In fact, it has been scientifically proven that during the pregnancy process, men’s sexual life is negatively affected due to misconceptions such as ‘The baby will be harmed, my wife will be harmed, how can I do it while my baby is in the womb…’. Therefore, the pregnancy process is a process that affects not only women but also men.”
Is sex or passion addiction a reason for cheating?
Sex addiction and passion addiction are diseases that are considered psychiatric, published and treated in the literature. However, a researcher named Scott A. Johnson approaches this situation from a very different angle, saying, “Rather than whether it is or isn’t, sometimes rich, famous, and influential people take and use this diagnosis to avoid the responsibility of cheating.” This approach is considered a good approach to stop the abuse of sex or passion addiction. Because some people can continue their mistakes by saying “I can’t help what to do, I am actually sick”. If this is the case, you should immediately consult a doctor.
Türkiye is at the forefront of cheating
Psychology Specialist Dr. Based on research on cheating in the world and in Turkey, Zafer Akıncı says: “The issue of cheating is one of the most discussed topics of all time. As a matter of fact, very contradictory studies on deception have not been published. Most experts are of the opinion that men are more likely to cheat and do. The most consistent data on this subject is the General Social Survey GSS, which the University of Chicago has been collecting since 1972. Among married people, 12 percent of men and 7 percent of women admit to having had an extramarital affair. But people tend to lie about it. We can assume that these rates are higher. We can say 15 percent for men and 10 percent for women. Almost all scientific studies show that men cheat on their wives more. However, according to a different study by a researcher named David M. Buss, women and men cheat at the same rate, but men tend to admit to cheating more than women. Although this view is not widely taken into account, a group of experts agree that it is correct. According to the data of the Sexual Health Institute in Turkey, 58 percent of men cheat on their spouse or partner. This rate reaches 40 percent for married women. It is interesting, but Turkey ranks high in the average of cheating in the world.”
Do you think the idea that “whoever cheats once will do it again” is true?
Unfortunately, there are so many rumors and myths about cheating. One of the most important of these is the rumor “If he cheats once, he will do it again”. Clinical Psychologist Kayla Knopp did not find any effect of previous infidelity counts on future behavior in one study. This means that the one who cheats once can do it again. “Once he cheats, he will do it again” is a conditional and harmful belief that contradicts scientific research and repeats destructive cheating behavior. In fact, the belief “If he cheats once, he will do it again” is a valid approach for children, although not for our spouses. Famous psychologist, known for his work on cheating, Dr. Susan Marchant-Haycox says, “If a child grows up knowing that one parent is cheating on the other, after a while he starts to perceive infidelity as acceptable. He’s very likely to commit the same cheating behavior as an adult,” says Susan Marchant-Haycox.
Ways to overcome cheating in sexual life
Many studies have been done on this subject by Nancy L. Murdock at the University of Missouri-Kansas. Family therapist Murdock has determined which factors are at play by examining couples who have successfully mended their relationships after cheating.
1- Level of event-related trauma. If the trauma is very high, some psychological techniques to alleviate the trauma can give very good results. In this regard, good results are obtained from the EMDR approach.
2-A concept coined by psychotherapist Murdock Murray Bowen “differentiation of selfThe technique is used a lot. In this method, it is aimed to correct the situation by separating the emotional and mental functions of individuals. Women, whose emotional regions of their brains are more active than men, achieve this with much more difficulty. Mindfulness technique gives effective results for the ability to think by reducing the effects of emotions.
3- Level of commitment to the relationship. A feeling of being so invested in the relationship. This feeling has a protective effect on the relationship. If the person has thoughts such as “I would find someone else if I left,” the relationship he has is in danger of being destroyed.
4- Satisfaction with the relationship. In order to increase satisfaction, men and women need to develop activities that they can enjoy together.
5-The ability to forgive. For this, the trauma must have passed and the resentment must have decreased so that the forgiveness process can begin.
What are the most common reasons for cheating?
According to psychotherapist Robert Weiss, some men deny that what they are doing is cheating. For example, he may not consider making sexual content with other women as cheating.
Weiss lists the reasons why men cheat:
one- to be immature: Not having enough experience in serious relationships and not realizing the weight of what he’s doing.
2- Other simultaneous problems: Comorbid problems affecting the decision-making mechanism, such as alcohol and substance abuse.
3- insecurity: The feeling that he’s getting old, not handsome enough, rich, or smart enough. Middle age crisis.
4- End of relationship, version I: He wants to end the relationship, but instead of telling his partner he wants to break up, he cheats. He tries to destroy the separation work on the other side.
5- End of relationship, version 2: He wants to end his current relationship, but does not want to leave this branch without clinging to another branch. While still in this relationship, she prepares for the next one.
6- Don’t confuse passion with commitment: He doesn’t know that it’s normal for passion to give way to lighter but more meaningful feelings in a long-term committed relationship.
7- Insufficient support from friends: He did not receive support from his friends and left his emotional needs to his wife completely. When his wife does not meet his emotional needs, he has nowhere to turn and looks for someone else.
8- Experiencing childhood abuse: A number of traumatic situations in childhood may affect his commitment in his current relationships.
9- Selfishness: He doesn’t care what happens until he gets what he wants. He sees marriage as a set of rules that he has to go around.
10- Seeing yourself special and unique: He feels that he deserves something that other men do not. Rules don’t work for him. He is free to reward himself.
11th- Inability to stop urges: Even if the idea of cheating didn’t cross her mind, she didn’t think about what would happen to her relationship when the opportunity arose and she got carried away.
12- Unrealistic expectations: He expected his partner to meet his every wish and need 24/7. When he does not, he seeks external satisfaction.
13- Anger and revenge: He cheats to hurt his wife and doesn’t even bother to lie. She wants her partner to know.
* Taken from Formsante magazine.