The fact that even Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, one of the most famous couples in the world, decided to divorce, once again brought up the question of why the relations were depleted so quickly. Psychiatrist Prof. Dr. According to Nevzat Tarhan, the principle of ‘reciprocity’, one of the secret psychological laws in the universe, also applies to marriages. “A serious price must be paid for a good marriage,” said Tarhan, “How can I be happy with my wife, how can we understand and meet each other’s needs?” If the question becomes a philosophy of life, the difficulties will be overcome and the spouses will continue on their way happily. He makes important evaluations about marriage…
A happy marriage is not possible without paying!
Just as it is necessary to work hard to earn good money, a serious price must be paid for a good marriage. It is not possible to obtain happiness without paying for it in marriage either. The principle of reciprocity is forgotten, if the spouses want to live a happy marriage without effort, fatigue and suffering, they will not be able to achieve it. Happy marriages are marriages where investments are made, the price is paid, and the parties try to understand each other in order to overcome difficulties. In such marriages, spouses, when faced with a small problem, do not go into a new search by saying ‘this woman or man does not make me happy’.
I can’t take the marriage, how can I overcome the obstacle?
If the spouses encounter an obstacle during their marriage, instead of saying “I can’t take this marriage”, “How can I overcome this obstacle?” According to Tarhan, who emphasized that they should make an effort to find a solution by saying, “When couples cannot experience the happiness they expect, they should not forget that they are on the same ship, and they should not immediately make the calculation of leaving the ship, and they should think about how they will conduct the marriage without crushing their own identities and personalities. Every problem has or can be found a solution.
‘How can I be happy with my wife’ should be a philosophy of life!
“‘When I think about my behavior towards my new wife, I see that I made a sacrifice for her that I did not make to my ex. If my ex-wife and I had shown the necessary sacrifice to each other, I think we wouldn’t have divorced…”
Tarhan, who stated that he could never forget this promise made by someone who married after the divorce, said, “Here, the person confesses that he gives the value to his new wife that he did not give to his ex-wife. However, if he could act as giving and understand him in his first marriage, the storm would be overcome, and then a quality marriage would emerge. If he immediately changes his path when something he doesn’t like, he can do the same thing in marriage, he can end his marriage with a small problem. If searching for the answer to the question becomes a philosophy of life, the difficulties will be overcome and the spouses will happily continue on their way.
Habits destroy the relationship the most.
Every marriage becomes a habit after a while. In order for something not to become a habit, it has to be presented in different ways. A person can get rid of the danger of habit if he can make his relationships colorful and diverse. There are people in societies who are happy by living everything classically, but the happiness of discovering new things is also different. Being age-appropriate is important in marriage. If only certain pleasure areas are taught to the brain, it is thought that the reason for life will disappear when it is not. For example, partners may discover different areas of pleasure when their sexuality weakens.
It’s important to open up about emotions rather than being accusatory.
At the beginning of the elements that keep the marriage alive are love, respect and trust. Cheating is a situation that weakens or even eliminates marital ties. Stating that the importance of sexual loyalty and the need for people to temporarily postpone their pleasures are emphasized in family therapies, Prof. Dr. Stating that these therapies focus on ‘opening the emotions’ instead of blaming each other, Tarhan says:
20 items that make you happy when you share with your partner!
“Would you list the twenty items that make you happy when you share them with your partner? we say. When patients come to the second session, they usually only write six or seven of these twenty items. However, if the same question had been asked before marriage, they would have easily filled out twenty items. During therapy, the number of these posts is tried to be increased, to twenty or seventy or eighty. Since the spouses do not know enough about the beauties they share together and the needs of the other party, a picture emerges that is accusatory, judgmental and highlights each other’s faults. They cannot find ways to solve the problems they encounter in marriage without making them a problem. Discussing a subject that the other person does not like too often in a way that destroys the emotions is something that hurts the soul, it makes you unpleasant in the eyes of the other person. In such cases, couples move away from areas that make each other happy.