The question is clear: Are you committed or dependent in your relationship? However, the answer is a bit complicated… Especially for us women, who were born into a patriarchal society… Even though we are starting to live in big cities more and more, we cannot convince ourselves of the idea of independence first, even though we are more and more involved in business life… And of course, unless we are convinced The definition of “independent woman” never finds the place it deserves in our social dictionary… One of the places where the concepts of addiction and independence are confusing the most is bilateral relations. We talked about our relationships and addictions with Clinical Psychologist Başak Tanrıverdi from İnvivo Psychology.
First connected, then dependent
Ps. Başak Tanrıverdi says that in relationships, women are usually attached to men first and then become dependent, adding: “There are certain adjectives given to women because we are a patriarchal society. When the concept of independence comes together with the word woman, it is not welcomed and is reciprocated as a simple, irresponsible woman. For men, however, independence means power.” Stating that this point of view became the learned helplessness of women after a while, due to the communication of girls with their fathers, fathers treating their daughters differently and more protectively, and attaching great importance to the concept of honor, Psk said. Tanriverdi said, “The daughter expects the same protective approach from the spouse in the future, and that spouse is also available for this because of her upbringing. Boys, too, have to pretend to be independent, even when they want to be connected, because they grow up with the knowledge that being ‘attached’ means henpeckedness. In fact, this poses a great psychological problem for men as well. In this way, the system maintains itself constantly. As the woman compromises her independence in this way, the man becomes active, a false identity is formed, and he turns into someone he is not. This is how I usually see marriages in Turkey,” she says.
Working is not enough
The fact that women entered the business life, which was once dominated only by men, does not change the system much. Role distribution and learnedness inherited by women cause confusion. Ps. Başak Tanrıverdi stated that the important thing is not whether women work or not, and said, “We also know women who work from morning to night, go home, get beaten by their husbands, and pay their husbands to have fun. Of course, women’s work is a huge step forward, especially for the new generation. But women still remain passive about money. The money, which is the symbol of power, should be in the hands of the man. If a woman receives a higher salary than her husband, she is worried about it. If She’s working and her child is at home, she feels remorseful. For these reasons, we cannot yet say that a working woman is an independent woman.”
Men also have addictions
So how independent are men really? Ps. Tanriverdi says that this should also be discussed. Although studies show that women are more depressed after divorce, it is understood that it is actually men who become depressed after divorce. When the man is no longer in her life, the woman has difficulty in maintaining her life, the order of the house, the food on the stove, and the care of the children, because the man is always used to being ready. In this sense, it is seen that men also become dependent on women. The only difference is that men are not aware of it because of the power that society gives them. Even if they are aware of it, they pretend not to be out of fear of exclusion.
Are you really independent?
While we see ourselves as independent women of modern society, it is possible to suddenly look at our relationship and realize that we are actually “addicted”… Being dependent in a relationship always means compromising oneself and putting everything on the other side and trying to fulfill her wishes. If you are happy with your life, are able to do what you want to do and do not worry about it, if you believe that you can stand on your own feet without your husband, you can talk about love, love and commitment. Ps. Tanriverdi says that the role of mother can also cause confusion in women, that many women who become mothers put too much “me” on themselves, that while society sanctifies motherhood, the mother can hold on to the phrase “I am a mother” too much, and even tries to achieve what she wants through the child by covering up her problems with her husband on a subconscious level. . At this stage, the mother becomes dependent on the child. If the child does not turn out as the mother imagined, it is depression that knocks on the door again. Ps. Tanriverdi said, “A woman is an independent woman who can stand up if she works, does the job she wants, can change herself as she wants, stands on her own feet, can balance her relations with her partner, husband, spouse’s family, and allows her child to exist as herself, and that relationship is an addiction. It is not a relationship of commitment,” he says. Although this definition includes the expression “to do the job she wants”, in fact, a woman’s independence does not require her to work. There are some women who earn a lot of money but have nothing to do with when they come home, and there are women who take care of their children even though they do not work and get divorced, who recover quickly even if they get depressed, and who know that they have a lot more to do in life for themselves and their children.
relationship addicts
We also see women who can’t do without being in a constant relationship. Maybe we are one of them. Here, factors such as the woman’s love relationship with her parents and her first relationship experience play a role. If you cannot live without someone else, if you are afraid that your current partner will leave your life, if you say what will I do if he leaves, if you want to leave but cannot do it for fear of loneliness and you are constantly waiting for approval, you may suspect relationship addiction.
If there are no men, there is shopping.
When you think of women and addiction, it is impossible not to think of shopping addictions… Here, too, there is a subject underlying the desire to be attached to something. Although this issue may change for everyone, the common way to suppress it is shopping addiction. Cleaning addiction arises for similar reasons. Underneath all of them is the coding of wrong schemas in the subconscious. However, when it comes to dependency in relationships, it is not as noticeable as in other matters. On the contrary, it is appreciated that a woman is dependent on a man. Men also prefer these women. The independent woman is neither liked by her fellow men nor by men.
Beware of the overbearing man
Sometimes, while you think you have a truly independent relationship, it is possible for your partner to become dependent on you. Psk for tips on how to distinguish this. Başak Tanrıverdi gives the following: “Actually, we do not distinguish between men and women in addiction, but when we look at the relations in Turkish society, we see that if a man becomes addicted, he can take the relationship to other dimensions. They can be excessively giving, both materially and spiritually, and behaviors such as a woman’s tendency to do whatever she says, confiscating her money, getting too involved with women, and jealousy emerge. Although relationships in which one party is independent and the other dependent are unhealthy, they actually last the longest. So what is the healthy state of being connected? “I can’t say clear rules for this,” said Psk. Tanriverdi continues: “The relationship in which both parties first consider their own individuality and then the individuality of the other party in love and tolerance, and where everyone can realize themselves, is satisfying, and the energy is very high.”
Test your relationship
You can review your relationship with the mini-test prepared by Clinical Psychologist Başak Tanrıverdi.
one- Do you often worry that your relationship will be damaged and that you will be abandoned?
A) Yes
B) No
2- Do you often have thoughts like “My partner is my everything, I can’t do without him”?
A) Yes
B) No
3- After you start a relationship with your partner, do you prefer to spend less time with your family, friends and environment and spend more time with your partner?
A) Yes
B) No
4- Do your expectations of your partner increase as time passes?
A) Yes
B) No
5- Do you constantly insist on marriage or did you do it before marriage?
A) Yes
B) No
6- Do you often compromise your personality, lifestyle or profession for your partner?
A) Yes
B) No
7- Are you trying to change or control your partner?
A) Yes
B) No
8- Do you often experience depressive symptoms, low self-esteem, and feelings of inadequacy?
A) Yes
B) No
9- Does one partner want to control the other partner in your relationship?
A) Yes
B) No
10- In your relationship, is one partner constantly demanding while the other is constantly giving?
A) Yes
B) No
YES‘s in the majority, attention! You need help finding yourself. Remember, individuals are dependent, not relationships. Know that you are not alone, 5-10 percent of the society shares the same process with you. You can get support to increase your self-esteem and gain awareness about your relationship.
* Taken from Formsante magazine.