Writing: Simay Engür
Do you remember that liar Shakespeare who uttered a tirade saying ‘I’m having a good time with you, but I’m not ready for a new relationship’ and then three days later you witnessed him setting sail for a new love in the stories? If you still haven’t forgotten that unknown person with whom you went on sweet little dates and who disappeared silently; We have good and bad news for you. The good news is, he will call you again when things don’t go well with his new girlfriend; The bad news is that you may be on the waiting list of a cookie monster who says ‘my loneliness is my sloppy cookie’. Let us introduce you to the new relationship trend of the age: Cookie Jarring. Well what does it mean? When the existing relationship of a man or woman becomes unstable, it is the situation of returning back to the person or people with whom they suddenly cut off communication, but at the same time left the door open. Expert Clinical Psychologist Gözdem Özdem explains the subject as follows: “When something does not go well in the existing relationship of the partner, it is the state of taking the other one out of the box and reestablishing the communication that was suddenly interrupted. In the language of my clients, this situation is called ‘cookie jar syndrome’. So, whenever a person experiences a problem in his/her ongoing relationship, he/she turns his/her course in another direction.” Considering all this, would it be an exaggeration if we said that your ex-flirt, who slowly broke off communication without sparing likes, unfollowing, or saying ‘you are not for me, it’s my final decision’, may not be a piece of cake in the bag, but a cookie in the jar? To alleviate this new hypocritical tragedy of our age; It is no longer considered taboo to meet with several people at the same time to find the right person. However, it is necessary to be a little alert against those who take out the unfinished cookies from their jar when they cannot get attention from their new lover. In short, you have now learned that you are the victim of an incorrigible cookie monster while boasting that ‘he has a soft spot for me, he always comes back to me’.
If it’s backed up, it’s yours from time to time.
If he didn’t back it up, it will never come back anyway. So why are men or women so afraid of being alone and feel the need to reserve cookies in their jar? According to a study of couples in California, this behavior may be deeply rooted in the experience of being cheated on or even childhood trauma resulting from parents’ unhealthy relationships. However, when you come to the surface, partners who are simply not sure where their relationship is going and who are afraid of rejection or abandonment rely on a long list of substitutes such as B, C, D in order not to feel inadequate. In other words, they retreat to a safe space where they can easily obtain emotional satisfaction. As you can see, always leaving the door open to flirting and keeping many people behind is considered a sign of complete lack of self-confidence, unlike a dominant character. The more options there are for them, the less likely they are to be alone and this makes them feel safe. When the cookie monster who left your life for no reason is now on his way, take a deep breath and whisper in his ear: Would you like some milk? It goes well with it!
Can I be in the jar?
It is possible to say that cookie jars are not transparent. For this reason, it becomes a little difficult to understand whether your name is on the reserve list or not. If they were transparent, no one would ask ‘what are we now, why did you stop calling, why did you suddenly become lovers?’ He wouldn’t be suffering from mental lapses with unanswered questions like these. It is important to underline that people do not really want a serious relationship, they avoid commitment, and therefore they may see more than one person and have daily relationships. The important detail here is that these people are as open as possible from the very beginning and do not hesitate to express their expectations from the relationship. Cookie collectors, on the other hand, show their interest, but do not want to name the relationship, even if it is a ‘long-term’ or ‘one-night stand’; They thrive precisely on uncertainty. In fact, cookie monsters dream of promising relationships, and when they find a man or woman who makes them feel safe and indispensable, they start a relationship. However, at the slightest ego damage, they may cling to their jars. Think about it… ‘When he doesn’t get the attention he wants from her, does he turn to me?’ Or is it possible that you are in the secret jar of that person who appears and disappears and makes you think, ‘He has a weakness for me, he has come back again’? The real nuance here is what you feel. If your expectation is a long-term relationship, it’s time to step out of the victim role and break the jar. So what to do? First, explain your doubts directly. The optimist will be open to you in the chart; The other story may be down to denial until the end, or how unimportant this is. If your ghost partner is stubbornly dismissive of your feelings and trying to normalize his cookie jar tendencies; State that you are only interested in an exclusive relationship. He may eventually cut off all communication, but there is no doubt that this is better than uncertainty.
On the bench; So it’s pretty hard to tell if you’re in the cookie jar or not. But it is not impossible!
• If he cares about you for a certain period of time and then suddenly disappears,
• The request for an appointment always comes from him, but he postpones it when you are the one who wants to meet.
• If he says he is not ready for a relationship yet and ignores your expectations from the relationship,
• ‘Why don’t you call me?’ If he or she makes excuses instead of giving a clear answer to the question, there’s a good chance you’re in your ghost partner’s cookie jar.
If you have a cookie monster with only one tooth left; It is necessary to take action. Expert Clinical Psychologist Gözdem Özdem lists the things you need to do as follows:
• Do not fight,
• Try to understand your own and his/her feelings,
• Do not always respond in line with the other party’s wishes and desires,
• Get out of the victim role.
Remember that the person in front of you does not like open communication. That’s why it’s so important to understand your own needs. Repeated manipulations and cookie jar syndrome reduce a person’s self-esteem, exhaust the person, and make him doubt himself.