Article: Nilgün Yıldız
You may have planned for your baby’s arrival. You may have read a lot of books and spent days researching what to do to make your relationship the same as it was before the baby. However, from the moment the baby is born, you may forget all you know or fail when it comes to implementation. Don’t worry, because every new mother-to-be may experience such problems. Author of the book ‘Hello Baby’ Expert Psychologist Sinem Olcay Kademoğlu, who advises mothers and fathers at Istanbul Parenting Class, “Even in many planned and desired births, many changes occur that challenge the expectant mother and father. Having a child is one of the biggest changes for women. The expectant mother’s body, her perspective on the world, and her perception of both her relationships and her own life story change. Likewise, for the father, nothing is ever the same again. Both men and women; He now begins to share everything with his child: his time, his sleep, his income, his family, his friends and his role in life. Placing a child in our lives means a big change, and big changes usually bring crisis. “But this crisis can be a positive experience that results in gains for both parents and the baby.”
BEING A MOTHER AND FATHER
Mothers are generally positively affected by the birth of the baby and the feeling of pride and happiness it gives, but sometimes positive emotions are replaced by anger and resentment due to the difficulties of baby care and the pressure created by the transition to parenthood. Kademoğlu states that positive and negative emotions generally occur one after the other and says, “While one day the mother feels distant and separate from her husband, her job, and her old life, the next day she can feel closer because a new bond is formed. This up-and-down situation is especially seen in mothers who expect to reach a harmonious and happy ‘pink life picture’ immediately after birth. “Realistic expectations about the postpartum period and good preparation for life with a baby help women overcome the turmoil that occurs after birth more quickly,” he says.
RETURN TO WORK
Sometimes mothers do not want to go to work after giving birth, but the father wants a working woman. Deciding whether to continue working after the baby is a very basic life choice. Although the wishes and preferences of the individual mother are at the forefront here, it is important to think very carefully and make a decision after a patient waiting and trial period, as there will be important effects for the father and the baby. At this stage, it is important for fathers to have a supportive, non-oppressive approach towards their wives, but also to express their own ideas clearly. As with many issues in marriage, open and honest communication contributes greatly to making the best decision for the good of the whole family.
MEN ALSO GET DEPRESSION
It is also a difficult task for men to embrace the role of fatherhood, take on the new responsibilities of being a family, and adapt to the changing relationship with their spouse. During this period, maintaining the balance in the relationship may require more effort than ever before. The man needs to stand back and make sacrifices when the time comes, and when the time comes, he needs to take control of the situation and play a more active role. Many fathers complain of not knowing what to do in the first period after birth and of feeling left out in the future. In fact, if these problems are expressed in words, even in the form of complaints, it means that the spouses can find a solution among themselves. What’s worse is that these problems are never mentioned. It can be seen that men unknowingly move away from both their own needs and family issues while trying to create a sensitive and devoted approach such as ‘The most important thing right now is that the baby and my wife feel good’. As time progresses, suppressed needs can disrupt the peace of the family and increase the tension. Many fathers complain of not knowing what to do in the first period after birth and of feeling left out in the future. Especially if a baby-focused life is adopted by the mother and lasts for a long time, the possibility of depression in fathers may arise.
ARE FEELINGS CHANGING?
‘How do couples’ feelings towards each other change after the baby?’ Sinem Olcay Kademoğlu answers the question as follows: “With the birth of the baby, the couple generally experiences ups and downs in their feelings towards each other. ‘I am more in love with my wife than I have ever been. Sentences such as ‘The baby has had a very positive impact on our relationship’ or ‘I am so angry at her that she doesn’t understand me at all, she thinks taking care of the baby all day is an easy job’ can come out of the same mother’s mouth a month apart. In a period when everyone expects to be ‘overjoyed’, experiencing negative emotions from time to time makes it a little difficult to accept the situation. However, many new parents experience negative emotions and this is actually normal. “Most of the time, these negative emotions are resolved as communication between the couple and things related to the baby get better, and are replaced by positive emotions.”
WHAT TO DO AFTER THE BABY?
Marriage requires the parties to show interest, care, patience and honesty towards each other. You need to make an effort to raise the declining energy of your marriage, revive the romance, re-establish balance between you and your spouse, and add joy to your relationship. First of all, it is important for the couple to start spending time alone again and then socialize with other people. In addition, getting help with baby care and teaching the baby good sleep habits are a great contribution. Additionally, couples should not forget the importance of sexual intercourse.
EFFECTS OF BODY CHANGE
“The physical changes experienced by women during pregnancy and birth are both fascinating and frightening. Every woman and man can react differently to this big change. However, it seems that women, in particular, are more concerned about physical change. Anxiety about whether she will lose weight after birth and questions about whether she will regain her old body occupy the minds of mothers. At this stage, it is very useful for fathers to sincerely emphasize the admirable aspect of the physical change resulting from the baby’s development. There may be situations where the father is afraid or even frightened of the physical changes in the mother. At this stage, fathers should remember the normality and necessity of this physical change by self-suggestion and a little research and learning,” says Sinem Olcay Kademoğlu.
NO ESCAPE FROM DIVISION OF WORK
Baby care is not a job that can be handled alone because a baby requires almost 24-hour attention and care. But the person himself also needs care and attention. If these needs are not met at all due to being busy with the baby, the person’s likelihood of experiencing both physical and mental health problems increases. In this respect, it is useful to allocate special times and assign tasks to the father to take care of the baby. This reduces tension between the couple and also strengthens the bond that develops between father and baby. For example, the father may give the baby’s last meal with a bottle every day before going to sleep, or the father may be responsible for bathing and massaging the baby after he comes from work. Apart from this, the responsibility of taking care of the baby on Saturdays can be left to the father. Over time, these rituals will become an indispensable part of family life and a source of happiness for everyone.