Writing: Elif Gursoy
You will neither be the first nor the last person to suffer or break up with your lover or spouse. At some point in your life, you will definitely leave or be abandoned, you will be alone, you will listen to yourself, you will be alone with yourself. Everything you do with the person in your life will be a thing of the past. Naturally, you will start to say goodbye to these habits. In order to spend this period in the healthiest way and get through it without any problems, listen to the suggestions of Clinical Psychologist Hande Işın.
Let’s start by listing the stages a person goes through after a separation…
Separation is an experience equivalent to the loss of a loved one. For this reason, I can easily say that people go through processes similar to a mourning period after a separation. Naturally, the pain experienced in the first period is extremely normal. The first period is the period of denial. During this period, people have difficulty accepting the separation and reject it. Over time, some questions arise. “Why me?” or “Why did this happen?” Questions like these cause feelings of anger to arise in people who are experiencing a separation. The length of the second period generally varies from person to person. Unfortunately, especially the stuckness of unresolved situations or unexpressed emotions in the relationship prolongs this period. Then, over time, the person enters the process we call bargaining in order to cope with his anger. During this process, the person may have thoughts that the separation is temporary. Over time, accepting the separation brings with it a process of sadness that we can also call depression. This situation is of course not a clinical depression, but it contains many similar situations such as withdrawal and loss of interest. Finally, the person comes to the acceptance stage, adopts a new life order and continues his life. With this period of acceptance, people begin to make peace with their loneliness.
What is the first rule to start accepting this situation?
It is the recognition that the relationship is a mutual agreement chosen by two people with free will. Therefore, being able to accept the separation is possible by realizing that each person is an individual and that they can choose to break up with their free will, just as they choose to start a relationship. This awareness is truly the key. Although relationships are seen as complementary to some people’s existence and part of their self-characterization, this is actually an illusion. As long as people can preserve their individuality, they can survive and be happy in a relationship. We observe that the level of distress in situations of separation is low in people who have been able to establish their awareness of existence individually, whether in a relationship or not. We should not forget that being individual does not mean being alone. Therefore, in order to get over the separation, one must make peace with the idea of individuality.
How does experiencing sadness deeply and not running away from suffering benefit a person?
First of all, in addition to sadness, other strong negative emotions such as resentment, jealousy and anger also emerge during this period. In this process, it is very important for the person to be able to recognize which emotions he/she is feeling. Every emotion that is suppressed or ignored becomes an obstacle to progress. We know that the pain of individuals who try to suppress their emotions can continue even up to four months after the separation. Experiencing each emotion without suppressing it and expressing it to close and supportive people around you shortens the time it takes to reach the acceptance stage regarding the separation. In addition, we observe that writing to oneself to express one’s feelings can provide the same emotional release and help rapid and permanent recovery.
What method should be followed to get rid of the habits left over from the old relationship?
After the separation, individuals feel themselves in a chaos where concerns about the future are intense. Therefore, following a routine helps a person establish a sense of normality and feel stable. They may lose their desire to care for themselves and their lives. But doing this doesn’t help get through the pain. Every end is a new beginning. Therefore, in order to make a fresh start and say goodbye to the habits of old relationships, I advise people to develop a new daily routine that includes good nutrition, adequate sleep, making time for rest and entertainment, and exercising.
What are the ways to express the emptiness that occurs after the breakup in a healthy way as soon as possible?
In the post-breakup period, it is very natural to romanticize the ex-partner, so the content of thoughts about the ex-partner is generally focused on what is beautiful about him/her and what is missed, that is, the emptiness created. At this point, trying to see the negative characteristics of the partner helps to reduce the feeling of love, longing and emptiness for the ex-partner, and although it may create some negative emotions in the short term, we know that this will pass in the long term. I should especially point out that love is a learned motivation. If it is mutual, it gives us happiness and joy; if not, it causes sadness. For this reason, in order to weaken and break the bond between the feeling of joy and happiness and the existence of the ex-lover, new mental connections that identify happiness with the feeling need to be established. This is possible if a person spends time going out and having fun, creating new happy memories, and doing activities that pamper himself and enjoy. If a person is going to pamper themselves, what better time than now? In addition, if the pain and other negative emotions are so severe that they cannot cope on their own, getting support from an expert psychologist helps people get through this period in a healthy way.
What kind of mindset is required to find happiness within oneself, without needing anyone else?
The fact that a relationship has ended does not mean that the person is “faulty”, even if they made mistakes in the relationship. This is an intellectual error that we call “mislabeling”, passed through a negative mental filter. First of all, this mindset needs to change. In addition, when in a state of intense emotion, a person may think that the process of unhappiness will never end. This thought is what increases the pain. At this point, the sadness and lack experienced He needs to remind himself that this feeling is a temporary process. I call this a post-breakup process, developing a perspective.
So, does loneliness have any advantages?
Seeing the advantages of being alone helps a person find happiness within himself.
What should not be done and what should be avoided after a breakup?
There is a kind of mourning process after the separation. But the most important thing that distinguishes separation from mourning is, of course, the possibility of communication with the other person, since there is no real death. At this point, people may attempt to communicate with their ex-partner and get news from them through various means. Following on social media is the most common method we encounter. I strongly advise individuals who are going through a breakup to stay away from communicating with their ex-partner or any attempt to get news from them. What prolongs the pain is remembering the good times people spent together. Hearing news from a former partner keeps memories alive and creates thoughts that occupy the mind. For this reason, everything that keeps memories alive should be avoided. Listening to songs with meaning, going to places with emotional memories of having a good time, looking at old photos are others… Another thing I recommend to stay away from is rushing into starting a new relationship with someone else. Relationships that start quickly after a breakup are called rebound relationships. This is a coping method preferred by men more than women. However, since these relationships generally mask feelings for the old relationship, they do not help to achieve well-being in the long run.
When can a person be ready for a new relationship?
Being ready for a new relationship is possible by neutralizing the negative feelings towards the former partner and learning by objectively evaluating their relationship that ended in separation. Evaluating the past relationship enables a person to gain new awareness about both his own needs and his expectations from his new partner. This helps to choose the right partner for the new relationship. In addition, since this evaluation enables the person to see his own mistakes, it paves the way for a healthier progress in the next relationship. People are truly ready for a new relationship after these two processes.
What emotions, thoughts and ups and downs take over the person’s mood?
One of the main thoughts that cause mood swings after a breakup is making various attributions as being responsible for the end of the relationship. While a person’s erroneous thought, which we call personalization, sees himself as entirely responsible for the breakup, causes guilt, regret and sadness, sometimes these thoughts turn into anger when the faulty party is seen as the ex-partner. The cause of negativity or separation in any relationship is not entirely one person. However, in the early post-breakup period, people easily make this evaluation due to their emotional intensity and may gradually fall into the mistake of thinking that we call all or nothing. Additionally, during this period, people may engage in an ideal separation fantasy. In other words, mental intervention studies on the past that cannot be changed, such as ‘I wish I had broken up’ or ‘I had responded differently when he said he wanted to break up’, emerge. What you don’t realize here is that who ends the relationship doesn’t actually matter much in terms of dealing with the situation. Breaking up is a difficult process in every way. Another important thought that causes emotional fluctuation is the thought of not being able to find similar harmony or love with someone else. Additionally, if individuals in a relationship use separation as a method in their normal communication, failure to understand whether the separation is a real separation may cause ups and downs.
*Taken from Formsante magazine.