We can say that women in Turkey need to feel safer, have higher expectations regarding protection and need a “strong male profile”. The expectation here is more reminiscent of the stone oven man model in the TV series “Child Duymasın”. It is important to distinguish between this type, which is close to the definition of “heavy brother” in Turkish movies, and the meaning of “kiro” or “bully”. In this sense, it is necessary to understand correctly what everyone is saying with the definition of “macho”.
Women’s partner criterion: 10 cm tall, 3-5 years older
It may seem strange to you that today, where many women find jobs in higher positions and their social and economic freedoms increase, the selection criteria are still the same. However, a woman’s income and assets do not change the selection criteria. According to research findings, women generally prefer men who are at least 10 cm taller and 3-5 years older than themselves. Although it is claimed that these conditions of female taste are universal, it is necessary to take into account that traces of socio-cultural and psychological experiences leak into these processes. For example, if a woman’s biggest fear is being with a man who is not loyal like her father, experiences and experiences related to this also affect these choices.
Is there a definition of false relationship?
“Wrong” is a subjective concept. Wrong according to whom and what? It would be more accurate to call it a healthy/unhealthy relationship. First of all, if we are talking about physical, emotional and verbal violence, we can already define an unhealthy relationship. If a woman cannot be herself around her husband, if she is not accepted as she is, if her choices are constantly criticized, if her social space is restricted, if she is constantly exposed to accusatory and humiliating words, then we cannot talk about a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship means a relationship that makes the person feel good. Whether the person is male or female; A healthy relationship is one in which one feels understood, accepted, safe and valued.
Does the fact that a man has a harsh temperament mean that the relationship is not right?
After all, if we do not mean resorting to violence when we say a tough man, of course we cannot say that no one likes men with adjectives such as tough, rude, or rude. But if we look at the “unreliable” part, it does not matter whether it is a man or a woman; Everyone expects and wants trust in their relationships. One of the most important conditions for a relationship to last is to have a foundation of mutual trust.
Our criteria have not changed since primitive women.
Calculations regarding romance for men and women occur subconsciously, and a different process occurs for both genders. For example, in short-term relationships, men become hunters and women become selective. Psychologist Dr. Ayşegül Önk Eray said, “This is what we have inherited from our ancestors’ experiences on how to live for millions of years. The figure, face, smell and age of the people we choose are affected by templates determined thousands of years ago. In fact, during the course of evolution, our brains have learned how to make the healthiest match. The knowledge of primitive men and women is deeply engraved in our modern brains. To the one who is most likely to give us children; We direct ourselves to those whose resources and commitment will ensure the child’s survival. In a comprehensive research on what women expect from long-term relationships; “It has been observed in different cultures that women are more interested in their husband’s financial resources and social status than their appearance,” he says.
Do women enjoy suffering?
We can say that traditional teachings and expectations are high in this country about women being self-sacrificing and enduring, rather than that they enjoy suffering. In other words, there is an expectation in society that women should always compromise and sacrifice in order to maintain their relationships. Even though the saying “She goes with her wedding dress, she comes with her shroud” is not as obvious as it used to be… It is impossible not to mention the effects of this mentality that has been created for generations, such as “She will drink blood wherever she goes, she will drink cranberry sherbet”. There are many women who do not know what to do out of desperation even though they have been subjected to a lot of torture. Unfortunately, this situation does not change even though women have gained economic freedom.
While women’s expectations from men are different at the beginning of the relationship, do they change over time?
I cannot say that this is limited only to our country; an almost universal expectation. There are processes related to the structure of women. We can say that women need to be more optimistic and hopeful. There is a common joke on this subject: Women marry men hoping that they will change; Men also say that women will not change…
Do women know exactly what they want from a relationship? Or do they sometimes start just to have a relationship?
This is not just the case for women. Most people start out not knowing exactly what they want from a relationship. The important thing is not to start, but to continue the process. Even though emotional processes start suddenly, it is important to evaluate whether we are happy or not as well as how we feel in the relationship. Self-confidence is also an important issue. Women who have low confidence in this regard are more likely to say, “I should be content with what I have.” Women with low self-confidence and high fears are more likely to seek shelter. In order to be protected from the storm outside, they sometimes feel like they have to expose themselves to the storm inside, and they choose to believe in many things that will deceive them. They can say, “Even if he beats me and eats me, he loves me in the end.” If the woman perceives restriction as possessiveness; Since she is jealous, she can say she loves me. Especially if life was like this for their mothers and grandmothers!
Is it better to be alone than to start a wrong relationship?
Loneliness is a difficult feeling to cope with… People with low ability to be alone can do everything they can to avoid being alone and make many compromises. People who have a higher ability to stay alone can establish healthier relationships. We all know how this situation can put us under pressure if we are “hands off” in any situation. For some people, loneliness creates the same process. Then they can choose to endure everything rather than suffer from despair. There is a need to become stronger internally to cope with being alone. Women who are not afraid of being alone can also protect themselves in relationships.
Article: Yaprak Çetinkaya/Formsanté
In a meeting we attended recently, a young woman was complaining about how men avoid commitment, that they first seem very interested and then disappear in a short time. A man listening to her replied: “Admit that you do not go to romantic men who will write you poems. Wherever there is a handsome, cool, flirtatious and unreliable man, you go and choose him. “And then you cry because he’s gone.”
Was this true? How did we women really choose our men? Or were we attracted to so-called macho men and then enjoyed suffering?
Hoping that this is not true, Psychologist Dr. from Ayna Psychological Counseling. We knocked on Ayşegül Önk Eray’s door. We learned that our criteria for choosing a spouse are as old as humanity and many other important details.
What dynamics influence women’s partner choices?
Psychological, sociological, biological, evolutionary and economic factors are involved and there are many studies on this subject. Although there are different discussion topics in mate selection, studies on “evolutionary theory” and “social role theory” come to the fore the most. The criteria for choosing a partner for men and women differ. Women aim to guarantee the material and moral resources necessary for the care and future of the limited number of children they can give birth to. She is looking for successful, strong, dominant men according to the culture she is in. It also evaluates whether the man is willing to have a long-term relationship and how devoted he can be. It is important that the family of the man she chooses also has the power to protect their children.