I don’t know if the mother-in-law problem is such a debated issue only in our society, but unfortunately it always remains current.
So what happens that mothers of boys cannot share their sons with anyone? Okay, we get it, your son is valuable mother-in-law, but is this girl worthless? I guess he didn’t come out of the tree hole either…
If it starts before you get married
There are three types of mother-in-law. The first is those who start interfering before the marriage, and the second is those who sneak up on the bride-to-be and unmask her after the wedding. The third is the mother-in-law of dreams; The type of mother-in-law who supports her daughter-in-law, which is out of our topic right now since they are rare and precious stones. I don’t know which of the first two types is more dangerous, but this is for sure; If a mother of a man interferes in her son’s relationships and still interferes in his son’s life, no matter how old he gets, there is definitely a problem. We decided to get to the bottom of this issue and took it upon ourselves to find out exactly where the incident originated, by consulting experts. ‘What is it that these men are priceless to their mothers’ sons?’ We got the answer from Expert Psychologist, Family and Relationship Therapist Ayşegül Denizci: “In patriarchal cultures like ours, boys are valuable. Therefore, when a woman gives birth to a son, she gains additional value from her son as a bride and wife. “The mother wants to continue to embrace this value that she added to her life with the birth of her son, by adding it to her son’s life.”
Down with this Oedipus Complex!
Yes, you have definitely heard of it, there is such a problem and in our opinion, it is very likely that almost all mothers of men have this complex. The Oedipus Complex takes its name from the story of Oedipus marrying his mother in Sophocles’ famous Oedipus Tragedy. It is used by Freud to indicate the behavioral style of boys between the ages of 4 and 5, who see their father as a rival and being their mother’s favorite. Ayşegül Denizci said, “The developmental situation defined by Freud as the Oedipus Complex is when the boy imagines his object of desire as his mother. That is, by destroying his father and possessing his mother. In terms of healthy development, the boy should not be able to achieve this. The ages we are talking about are around 4-7 years old. Even earlier, according to psychoanalyst Melanie Klein. The fact that such a small child is the lover of a huge woman who gave birth to him gives the child great power, but on the other hand, it makes him feel a tremendous sense of inadequacy. Yes, his father is huge
he is tiny. Here, if the relationship between mother and father is a healthy and voluntary relationship, the child cannot take over the mother and completes his development in a healthy way with his peers. Otherwise, its development comes to a halt due to dilemma and division. The fact that the mother treats her son as an owner and raises him to obey his own will makes it impossible for the son to both mature and establish a healthy relationship with the opposite sex. “Mothers who have unhealthy relationships with their own spouses act with the fear of losing their sons because they get emotional pleasure and satisfaction from their sons,” he says.
There is such a thing as maternity rights!
Some mothers of men cannot find a suitable mate for their sons, whom they cannot love on earth or in the sky. What they actually want is to find a girl who will not be their rival and will listen to their words. Otherwise, he will waste his life constantly slandering his son and his daughter-in-law and trying to shut her down. If her son is single and he met a new girl, this mother’s job is very, very difficult. This enemy, who has captured his only son, must first be intimidated; if he is a bride-to-be who is smart, has a career, or is too beautiful to be intimidated, it will be the most difficult. If this mother, who sees her most powerful weapon, ‘maternity rights’, as a one-shot right, interferes not only in her son’s relationship but also in everything from the house he lives in to his friends, we cannot find anything to say to this mother. Let’s see what Ayşe Denizci says? Denizci said, “This mother is an overly controlling and overly interventionist mother. Especially if he does not have such a demand regarding his son’s life or home life, and if he complains about this situation but cannot get his mother to control it, the situation becomes increasingly difficult.
will reach unbearable levels. “In this case, the son will find a conflicting and dominant wife to save himself from this encompassing, suffocating mother.”
He lost his self-confidence, he is invalid!
‘Can men who are dependent on their mothers have self-confidence problems?’ Ayşegül Denizci answers the question as follows: “Yes. Self-confidence develops when the mother, the primary caregiver, treats the growing child correctly at the right time. A mother who wants her son to become an adult and treats him as her own lover has overextended his son’s boundaries. But the same mother has also narrowed her boundaries too much by not allowing her son to make his own decisions as an adult and leave. Because of these ebb and flow, the man has difficulty in realizing where his own boundaries begin and where they pass to his mother. “While it is necessary for him to establish his boundaries firmly in order to be confident in his essence, that is, in himself, he cannot do this,” he says. One of the most important problems these men experience in their bilateral relationships is addiction. Because they are overwhelmed by this addiction, they experience outbursts with extreme reactions. They cannot fully devote themselves to the relationship because they believe they will suffocate. They project onto their spouses the anger they secretly feel towards a mother who did not allow them to be free. In order to escape from a smothering spouse, they often turn to other women and have extramarital affairs. Sexual problems can also be seen in these men.
Father-in-law has a big role
Mothers who are dependent on their sons are often mothers who cannot get attention from their husbands. Because a woman who has a healthy relationship with her husband does not develop a pathological love for her son. On the other hand, the values that a woman brings from her own nuclear family are also important. For example, if the son is going to be the heir of a great asset, the mother may develop an obsessive possessiveness towards her son, whom she sees as the heir. Another element is the woman’s self-realization as an individual. A woman who cannot complete herself as a productive being sees her son as a project and may want to overcontrol how his growth and upbringing will be structured. This is a very common situation in our country, especially in regions where there is no urbanization.
Should he run away?
Ayşegül Denizci states that men who have a pathological relationship with their mothers should receive psychotherapy. Because of this unhealthy relationship, many of the man’s relationships and what he wants to achieve in his life can be negatively affected. Men who are relieved thanks to therapy begin to establish a more harmonious and healthy relationship with their mothers, and the mother is happy to see that she has not actually lost her son, but that the world she has created has changed in a positive way.
What should men do?
On special days, the whole family can come together, outside of celebrations, people can of course ask how they are doing and some of the events from general life can be shared. If you live in the same city, you can visit once a week, or if you live in distant cities, you can meet once a month. Of course, if the mother is in need of care, the necessary care can be undertaken. But doing more than this, running to the mother in case of any problem, calling the mother more than once a day indicates that danger signals are ringing.
What should be done to deal with a difficult mother-in-law?
First of all, the couple must have a very open relationship. They should not have communication problems. Otherwise, a man who is bored with his marriage may start to care too much about his mother in order to devalue his wife through her mother. It is necessary to establish closeness and distance with a difficult mother-in-law with a very appropriate language of respect. If a woman has a healthy relationship with her lover or husband, her mother-in-law will not be a problem. No matter what, it is necessary to avoid accusations of ‘your mother is like this’. You should solve your problem with your mother-in-law as directly as possible, and you should not involve third parties in the relationship and make the situation even more complicated. It is also very important to keep a distance and stay away to protect yourself in cases of severe insults, physical and emotional violence.