Text: Nilgun Yildiz
Upon the invitation of Zorlu Performing Arts, I went to watch the play ‘I Love You, You’re Perfect, Change Now’ without knowing its subject. I liked the game so much that I couldn’t help but think about it. After leaving this musical play, which tells about the universality of male and female relations and combines the story with a mischievous language, one can’t help but think; Why do we first accept the person we love as they are and then try to fit them into our own molds? For example, we fall in love with a man first because he is very funny. In the first days of our relationship, we like to laugh at his jokes, and even laugh at everything he says. Our relationship starts to progress, maybe months or years pass. But after a while, that guy’s funny feature that we fall in love with starts to bother us. The moment came when sentences such as ‘You can joke about anything’, ‘But this is a serious subject’, ‘Please be a little serious’, ‘For once, don’t respond to events with childish jokes’ started flying in the air. What moment? The moment we want it to change.
We love a person for something special, but then we want him to change. When it changes, we complain about not being able to recognize the person we fall in love with. Is not it? Expert Psychologist Nida Özşahin Terkuran said, “Actually, we do not accept everything at the beginning of the relationship. When the relationship begins, we experience illusion. We focus on the features that we think are important to us in the moment, and if they are satisfactory to us, we think as if they fit even if the others do not suit us. The features we usually focus on are the ones we need the most. “Once these needs are satisfied, others begin to appear and we want to change them.” How true!
women want attention
Women mostly complain that men don’t care enough or don’t show their love enough. Because men can spend more time with their work or friends instead of spending time with their lover, wife or children. Of course, the time spent with technology has been added to this lately. Men are more interested in their cell phone and computer. However, attention and love is one of our most important needs. It is natural for a woman to expect this from the man she loves. Women want to change their lovers in this direction the most.
What do men want?
Men, on the other hand, mostly complain that women are controlling. They do not like to be controlled and constantly interfered with. They want women who make them feel powerful. In addition, although it is known that ‘men do not like strong women’, they actually like strong women, they just do not want women to conflict with their own power. Men are trying to change this the most. Although they want women’s power to remain under control, they do not want it to be shown on themselves.
What about the man we fell in love with?
‘Doesn’t it mean trying to change someone and succeeding, then losing the person we fell in love with? After all, we loved him with his existing temperaments?’ I’m sure it’s on everyone’s mind to ask. Nida Özşahin Terkuran said, “When people love or fall in love with someone, they actually like the image they create in their own minds. Then they try to manipulate their partner to fit the mold of their own image. When we can easily change the other person in relationships, this negatively affects our respect and love for them. When we turn the person into the image in our minds, the old charm is gone. That’s why unlived loves become bigger. So we continue to love our images.”
To change or to adapt, that is the question!
Everyone comes from different families and cultures. Although some features match when you are a couple, some features may not match. For a healthy relationship, it may be necessary to compromise, not change. According to Terkuran, the red lines are important here. It is necessary to determine the essentials in a relationship and then go to reconciliation. The biggest conflicts in a relationship happen when we try to change the other person. Unless the other person wants to change, the situation is just conflict. Thus, both parties are unhappy. Therefore, we must either change ourselves or find a way to compromise.
Don’t go back to the apocalypse!
Psychologist Terkuran says, “The thing you like very much about the person you love may be your doom in the future.” He states that when he says this, he means: “We focus on the qualities that appeal to us at the beginning of the relationship, the positive aspects of our partner. We see the positives and evaluate them in terms of advantages. Because this feature is something we look for and expect. However, as we live with these features, as lives become routine, this feature can start to bother us and sink into us. It may start to be perceived as an unwanted feature. For example, a spouse that we think is very powerful at first may later create the thought, ‘He is using his power over me, trying to rule me’. Or, a man who prefers a woman because he is dominant and organizes his life may start to think, ‘He is trying to control me, I don’t like it’ when the relationship becomes routine after a while. If you are experiencing a situation like this, there are two ways you can follow: First, you should play the devil’s advocate against the features that appealed to you at the beginning, and try to avoid seeing these features with a positive illusion. Of course, this is not so easy. Secondly, let’s say your relationship has progressed and those attractive features have lost their value. We must know that we cannot change the other person and we must change our own meanings. In fact, spouses experience some changes during the marriage process, but they do not see this change because they approach each other with patterns.”
How right is it to change for someone?
For a man, quitting our careers, giving up our habits, actually seems like compromising our personality. We all have life values. If these values are changed for someone else, it leads to a sense of self-compromise. It is very normal for unhappiness to come after this situation. But changing for the person they love can also be a life value for some. Some individuals see love and togetherness as a life value. This can mean changing for someone else. The point to be considered here is to be aware of the value of life, not to regret and not to say ‘I wish’.