Relationship and marriage expert Dr. Julie and Dr. John Gottman has been thinking about relationships, marriage and love for many years. There is a 7-day homework they recommend to many families whose marriages are shaken. “Over the next week, you can change your relationship for the better, and you can do it in small steps right away. We will ask you to learn seven new habits for 7 days. They will be easy, fast and fun. There will be no grand gestures or grand speeches. These apps will help you if you are dating or have been married for 35 years like us. By making and maintaining these small changes, you can make your love last forever. It’s our kit for a great start, reboot or course correction. “All you need to get started is a willingness to try,” they say.
Here are the 7 daily homework assignments they recommend:
MONDAY
Tip #1: Turn
“One of the key discoveries of our 50 years of work is what we call ‘connection overtures.’ This is when one person tries to initiate a small connection with another by making an offer. This can be physical or verbal, overt or covert, and their partner then responds in one of three ways.” They either turn towards that offer, turn away from it, or turn against it. What does this look like in practice? Look at your partner’s newspaper and say, ‘Oh, that’s an interesting article.’ This is an offer for communication.
When we look back at the data, 33 percent of divorced couples have partners We see that people respond to their offers, and this rate is 86 percent for couples whose relationships are ongoing. people’s spouses communication and connection offers How they react is actually the biggest indicator of happiness and relationship stability.
“Think of every gesture you make towards your partner’s desire to communicate, even if it is as brief as responding to a smile with a smile, like dropping a coin into your love piggy bank.”
Today’s assignment:
Be on the lookout for small offers you can link to. (Some of them are like this)
- Eye contact.
- A smile.
- Don’t directly ask for help or attention.
- Saying good morning or good night.
- Asking for a favor.
- Reading something out loud to you: ‘Hey, listen to this…’
- Pointing at something: ‘Look at this!’
TUESDAY
Ask a big question
The doctor couple said, “In our work with couples, we talk about creating love maps. ‘Love map’ By we mean an intimate knowledge of your partner’s inner world. Your hopes and dreams. Beliefs; their fears; their desires. You should ask questions not only to create love maps, but also to update them.
As time goes by we stop asking each other these big things and instead just ask the little questions: ‘Have you taken out the garbage?’ ‘Has the dog been to the vet?’ Any relationship is a process of meeting again and again over the years. “To understand your partner, it’s important to keep these ‘love maps,’ as we call them, updated,” she says.
Today’s assignment:
Ask them something meaningful. Consider these questions to get you going:
- What are the things you cannot achieve in your life?
- How have you changed in the last year?
- What are some of your dreams in life right now?
- If you could transform into any animal for 24 hours, which one would you choose and why?
- If you could design the perfect house for us, what would it look like?
- If you could wake up tomorrow with three new skills, which would you choose?
WEDNESDAY
Say thank you
For a long time, therapists in the field of couples counseling assumed that unhappy couples were unhappy because they didn’t treat each other very well during a typical day. They would prescribe ‘positive days’ to practice increasing acts of kindness towards each other. Very quickly, they abandoned the idea because it didn’t work.
It turns out that, in general, people treat each other well. They just didn’t notice the nice things their spouses did. Unhappily married couples missed out on 50 percent of these positive things. Happily married couples weren’t just doing more than unhappily married couples. They were better at seeing their spouses do these things.
As life goes on, it’s easy to fall into the trap and only see what they didn’t do or did poorly. Shrinking sweaters instead of doing laundry; Forget the rosemary instead of buying lamb chops.
Change its default settings and look for the right one. You’ll see how quickly the dynamic between the two of you will improve.
Today’s assignment:
Step one: Become an anthropologist. Take a close look at your partner today. Write down everything he did that was positive (he made you breakfast, made you coffee, and called you all morning) but don’t write down the negatives (he ignored the pile of laundry on the stairs). Notice how your partner shows kindness, generosity, and courage.
Second step: Give thanks for something routine. Something they do right, even if it’s small, even if they do it every day – in fact, especially if it’s small and they do it every day! Tell them why this little thing is important to you.
THURSDAY
Make a real compliment
This article suggested by Dr Couple is as follows: Data obtained from 3,000 couples, some of whom we have been following for more than twenty years, showed that couples who stay happily together can easily name specific qualities they like and appreciate about their partner.
The masters of love have no less flaws than we do.
But what they’re best at is Seeing the good qualities of their partners. This is against the forces that destroy a relationship, the strongest of which is contempt. It becomes an impenetrable armor against the enemy.
Contempt arises from a pattern of negative thoughts and criticism towards your partner and It is the number 1 indicator of divorce.
Today’s assignment:
- Step one: If you were to paint a verbal portrait of your partner, what words would you choose? Circle three to five options: Warm / Funny / Generous / Calm / Creative / Passionate / Intense / Lively / Thoughtful / Adventurous / Fun-loving / Playful / Intelligent / Perceptive / Nurturing / Sexy / Intelligent / Talented / Caring / Competent / Charming / Wise / Caring / Thoughtful / Attractive / Trustworthy / Flexible / Supportive / Curious / Interesting / Kind / Courageous / Open / Docile / Sensitive
- Second step: Today, whenever you are together, notice how your partner embodies these qualities.
- third step: Express it! How often do you communicate to your partner the key, essential things you love and appreciate about them? Do more.
FRIDAY
Tell me what you need
The explanation of this article is as follows: We all have needs. We all have desires. But we don’t say them. We leave clues and hope ‘he’ll just know’. We tell ourselves a story about why they should be able to figure this out without us having to tell them (‘It’s obvious! It’s just common sense!’).
When our partner cannot meet these needs, we feel resentful. We begin to believe that our partners don’t care, that they only care about themselves, that they’re too busy when it comes to us, or that they don’t value the relationship anymore. We also criticize them. When we accumulate resentment and criticism instead of just asking for what we need, at some point the dam needs to break. As this situation accumulates, so does the pushing and shoving and more problems.
But all of this can be avoided by doing this simple thing: Say what you need.
Today’s assignment:
Step one: Reflect. What do you need or want? Think about what you expect from your partner. Are you dying to spend more time with him? Do you need help with household chores? Do you need more support as you pursue your career? Do you need to hear the words ‘I love you’ more often?
Second step: Identify yourself. Always ask for what you need by talking about how you feel.
‘I miss you. ‘Can we spend time together tonight without phones and TV?’
‘I feel very tired today. ‘Can you make dinner so I can rest for a few minutes?’
‘I love being touched by you. ‘Hold me.’
SATURDAY
Apply mini touch
The doctor couple says: There is no magic number, no set data point, for how much sex you need to have to have a wonderful, fulfilling, long-lasting relationship. What we know is that successful couples are the ones who use the power of touch the most to keep the flame of love alive. They touch while cooking, cleaning, and talking about the weather.
Positive, intimate, comforting, non-sexual touch is great for all of us in many ways, including stimulating a libido that may be in a new, less active phase. For many (though not all) men, sexual desire leads to contact. For many women (again, not all), contact leads to sexual desire.
Today’s assignment:
It’s about creating as many moments of physical connection as possible. How many of these can you collect in a day?
- Kiss – six seconds.
- Hug – 20 seconds.
- Hold their hands as long as you want.
- Get a ten-minute massage. One person is sitting on the couch and the other is sitting on the floor. Then switch places.
- Cuddle on the couch.
- Touch each other’s hands or arms while talking.
- If your partner is stressed, put your hand on his shoulder.
- Touch foreheads.
- Touch his feet under the table.
SUNDAY
Set personalized hours
The explanation of this article is as follows: Let’s talk about loneliness in marriage. It sounds negative, but it’s a fact of life for many couples. We may spend years or decades together, raising children and occupying the same space, but instead of sharing one life, we live parallel lives.
Spending time together is a useful antidote.
Making a firm commitment to spend time together It’s like building a fortress for both of you against the constant onslaught of the world. – all requests, work to be done; a mess of chores and errands. This time it’s not extra. This is not a bonus or reward. It’s an investment.
Today’s assignment:
Arrange special days to spend time alone. This may not necessarily be going to a restaurant. You can also create special ambiances at home for both of you, where you can spend time alone.
- No screen, no phone
- Make sure you both follow the plan.
- Don’t think it will end with sex.
- If one of you needs to talk about what’s stressing them out, be open to it. This night doesn’t have to be perfect or go a certain way.
- Don’t make it a social engagement. Make sure it’s just the two of you.
- Are you nervous because you haven’t really talked to each other for a week, a month, a year, um, a decade? Do it anyway.