Text: Mürsel Sergeant
It is difficult to get through the end of a relationship in a healthy state of mind, regardless of the reason it ended. It does not matter whether the person is the one who left or the one who was abandoned, or whether the relationship ended by agreement, in that process, a person is looking for someone to whom he can consult, tell his problems, and guide him. Or he needs to know how to deal with this situation. ‘How does life continue after a relationship?’ at The School of Life Istanbul. Psychiatrist Defne Eraslan, who organizes the workshop, says that when a relationship ends, one should learn from it and move on with one’s life, and that it is possible to overcome the pain of love in a good and healthy way.
Approach to separation
According to psychiatrist Eraslan, women and men experience separation differently; “Everyone’s character is different, we cannot generalize, but there are special situations that may cause a woman to have more difficulties. One of these is social structure. In many societies, women find themselves more valuable in relationships or marriage. Naturally, when the relationship ends, the woman not only loses that person, but also feels like a failure because she cannot continue the relationship. There may be a feeling of failure for men, too, but the social perception is not negative for men living single lives. The limited period during which women can have children is also a challenging factor. Men may be comfortable thinking that they can have children at the age of 50, but women may panic if the relationship ends as they get older. While men can be with women younger than themselves, this possibility is slim for women. “The woman feels like she has lost not only her romantic relationship but also her future.”
Stages of separation
The process of digesting losing something or someone has predictable stages. “Similar stages occur whether you leave a city or lose a relative,” says Eraslan and continues as follows; “The first stage is shock and denial. You know the fact that you lost that person, but you cannot fully accept it. You ignore the fact that you broke up thinking he might still come back. Then the bargaining phase begins. ‘If his best friend hadn’t disturbed us, we wouldn’t have broken up. ‘If I had worn nicer clothes, if I hadn’t gone to a different city, we wouldn’t have broken up’… Then the depression process begins. This is not depression, which is a disease, but the process of accepting the loss and saying goodbye! It’s a difficult but necessary time. Sometimes we can’t say goodbye to the relationship because we get stuck in ‘what ifs’. If the person you are having a relationship with is your best sports buddy, you need to find someone else to do sports with or get used to doing sports without him. Finally, acceptance begins. Reaching the stage of acceptance does not mean that you will not experience the pain of love. You can return to these stages when you see that you are with someone else, when you experience uncertainty in your own life, or when you get sick. These stages are valid for both parties. Staying stuck at one stage can cause the pain of love to reach an unbearable point.”
What you can do to get over a breakup
• Do not ignore your sadness, but try to continue your daily life as much as possible.
• Socialize with friends and family members you neglected while you were with him.
• You can share your feelings with someone you trust, but try not to talk about it all the time.
• If the decision to break up is final, continuing to meet, even on a friendly basis, will delay your recovery. If possible, choose not to meet.
• Unfollow him on social media.
• Although ‘what ifs’ and regrets are natural parts of the mourning process, they may not always be realistic. Learn lessons, but don’t get stuck in regrets.
• Even though you miss the good aspects of your relationship, do not draw general and negative conclusions from the end of this relationship, such as ‘I can’t love anyone anymore’, ‘I can’t find anyone else after this age’, ‘I’m unlovable’.
• Suffering is normal to some extent. If this process takes too long and affects your daily life and self-confidence, consult a specialist to eliminate the possibility of depression.
It’s time to end the relationship!
So when should a relationship be ended? Eraslan is of the opinion that the pros and cons should be considered; “If a relationship keeps taking away from you instead of giving you happiness, support and fun, it should end. I don’t want to say that you should break up if the other person is going through a difficult time. For example, the other person is sick and you feel good because you support him, this is a plus value. If the relationship is making you worse off than if you were on your own, you need to start thinking. What conditions are bad is a personal thing, it varies for everyone. Someone enjoys sacrifice so much that it is to their advantage to continue the relationship even though everything is against them. Then it is necessary to question why he needs the sacrifice, but again, the decision belongs to him.”
Grief can be coped with
Eraslan says that the prerequisite for getting over the breakup in a healthy way is to accept that the pain of love is normal. “After the breakup, standards such as ‘I should be very happy, I shouldn’t be sad at all, I shouldn’t miss him at all’ both reduce your self-confidence and prevent you from experiencing and getting over that feeling. Those feelings you cannot experience come from a different place under every situation. The first is to accept that this is normal, the second is to remember that it is not the end of the world. Every loss and every relationship teaches you something. Of course, we will be sad if it ends, we will evaluate what we could have done differently and look forward. We will take the things he taught us into our basket and continue stronger. People are going through much greater pain. Human beings can cope with grief.”
Starting a new relationship
So can a new relationship be a savior? Eraslan; “If what that relationship brings to you is spending time together or feeling valuable, starting another relationship before the other person’s mourning is completed can make the mourning process easier. The feeling that there are other people who like me can reduce the loss of the relationship. However, when you start a relationship with someone else and decide ‘I should be happy now’ and ignore your pain, this is bad. When some people do this, they become more emotionally worn out. You should also consider the harm that the new relationship may cause you, as well as the benefits it provides you. Sometimes people stay with a person who doesn’t make them feel good just to find someone new immediately. It is a common scenario; The couple breaks up, and the other one marries someone they just met 3-5 months later… Most of the time, that marriage does not progress healthily. It is bad to continue a relationship that you use as a tool to relieve someone’s pain throughout your life. What is important is again the emotional profit-loss calculation.” says.
The School of Life Workshops
The School of Life, which was first realized by Alain de Botton in London in 2008; It invites participants to explore and discuss smart and good living alternatives through the approaches and guidance offered by philosophy, literature, psychoanalysis and visual arts. ‘How can we realize our potential? How can we keep love fit? How do we make a difference? How do we become creative? How do we manage to stay calm?’ Workshops that seek answers to questions such as these are held at Bilgi Tesisat Istanbul on weekday evenings, Saturday mornings and afternoons, and Sunday afternoons. The workshops are given by Turkey’s and the world’s leading writers, artists and thinkers.
It is necessary to be individualized
People come out of some relationships with a damaged sense of self. For a healthy and sustainable relationship, it is important to know yourself and what you want. Psychiatrist Defne Eraslan reminds us of a quote by Erik Erikson: “Erikson says, ‘If we do not complete our personality development and relax about who we are, we cannot leave ourselves in another relationship. We are afraid that that relationship will take me away and make me a completely different person.’ Ignoring oneself and losing one’s self in the relationship stems from the fact that people have not completed their individualization. People who have completed their personality development in a healthy way are not afraid of getting close. He knows that no matter what happens, he can be himself again and live alone. In all relationships, ‘Do I want what I’m doing right now or am I doing it because he wants it?’ or ‘Am I letting him because I care about him?’ You should ask questions. Of course, it is not possible to have only what you want in a relationship, but it is important that you choose to do what you do not want.”