Writing: Elif Gursoy
Without being mentally and physically healthy; It is difficult to be physically and mentally fit, and to feel sexually competent and self-confident, which is a requirement for sexual intercourse. It is not possible to feel sexually aroused and excited. Stating that the first criterion is trust, he said. Dr. Ayça Can Uz underlines that both partners should feel safe both physically and emotionally. The person needs to be sure that his/her beliefs, knowledge, desires, behaviors and fantasies regarding sexuality will not be judged, mocked or mentioned to anyone else. Otherwise, he cannot open himself to his partner. Saying that the second one is closeness and privacy. Dr. Uz said, “However, real closeness begins not with the heart, but with the mind. Privacy develops not by desiring closeness, but by sharing feelings and thoughts. The more couples share their privacy, the more emotional closeness they feel towards each other. “For this, it is necessary to establish correct communication,” he says.
Where should a solid communication start?
In order to establish good communication in sexuality, it is necessary to strengthen daily communication. It is important to use positive language in communication. It is also necessary to verbally express the positive feelings towards the other party, to appreciate them and to give positive feedback. However, stating only the positives can be perceived as insincerity. In addition, negative emotions that are bottled up and not shared in the relationship become hand grenades ready to explode at any moment. Some couples stop communicating simply because they are afraid of arguing. Conflict between two people who are in communication and have different temperaments, backgrounds and family backgrounds is inevitable. Healthy communication also includes healthy discussions. For productive and healthy discussions, it is necessary to abandon two habits: Always winning and always being right… Compromising instead of winning in arguments does not mean losing. Compromising means giving importance to your partner’s feelings, even if you disagree with him or her on a matter you disagree with. Stopping being right all the time and accepting that the other person may be right shows that they are just as good as you and that you appreciate them. The same rules apply to communication in sexual life. Giving positive feedback about what you like during sex, saying words of love, complimenting, praising your partner after a good lovemaking, and making small veiled references to the previous lovemaking during the day strengthens sexual communication. Of course, disagreements may also occur due to personal differences. Everyone’s sexual desire, arousal threshold, way of arousal, the way they enjoy sexual intercourse and how they express it are different. With proper communication, the couple can find the necessary path for a healthy and happy sexuality together by compromising.
Can body language be part of communication in bed?
In fact, we continue to send messages with our bodies even when we do not speak at all. Of course, sexuality and body language are an important part of communication. Especially touching… While men are easily stimulated by visual material, women are more stimulated by touching. I see couples who spend almost no time on foreplay before sexual intercourse. If there is no arousal, there is no pleasure or orgasm. After a while, reluctance begins. Touching and being touched is of great importance to women due to the difference in arousal between men and women.
What points should be paid attention to and what method should be followed in communication?
If we start with physical communication… Touching should not be limited only to genital organs, especially during foreplay. There are millions of receptors all over our body that detect different types of touch. Why shouldn’t we use them too? For example; The earlobe, neck, upper inner leg, fingers or toes can also be body parts that are very susceptible to stimulation. What needs to be considered is that touching should not be limited only to sexuality… Otherwise, all touching may begin to be perceived as an invitation to sexual intercourse, causing people to avoid all kinds of contact and cause the couple to move away from each other. Sitting close and in contact with each other while resting at home, limiting the time spent online while together, looking briefly into the partner’s eyes from time to time but for longer than a moment’s glance, remembering the actions taken to get closer during the flirting phase of the relationship, such as holding hands, touching the face, dancing at home or together. Taking a shower can be ways to revitalize the relationship. The prerequisite for verbal communication is to talk a lot. However, rather than listing what happened during the day, it is important to talk about the feelings about what happened. When couples can do this in daily life, they can more easily share their expectations and feelings about sexuality. However, when talking about sexual issues, it is necessary to be careful not to blame the other party or speak in a way that makes them feel guilty. This attitude may cause the other party to become offended or defensive. Using “I” language in conversations about sexuality makes the conversation feel less accusatory. For change, it is necessary to focus on the behavior of the other party, not on their personality. Because a person can change his behavior even if he does not change himself. When describing behavior as an impartial observer, one should not comment on what it might mean. Just sharing emotions and explaining the consequences of emotions on the couple’s sexual life while opening up can make it easier for the partner to understand. Instead of the other party’s undesirable behavior, offering clear options about what other behaviors would be good for them is a good solution.
Why and how do fears and social pressures affect sexual life?
Lovemaking scenes are censored, children’s questions are blocked as inappropriate, and parents do not kiss in front of their children. Therefore, we are constantly faced with the subtext that sexuality is a bad thing. Additionally, talking about sexuality causes labels about that person in society. In order not to become a bad woman or a man chasing a prostitute, sexuality becomes a taboo and is never talked about. Many people experience anxiety and distress about sexuality due to many misinformation, which we call sexual myths, the information they hear from here and there or obtained from porn movies, as a result of social judgments, from the size of their genital organs to the frequency of intercourse, to masturbation for protection.
What should a couple do to eliminate myths, timidity and shyness?
If there is no trust between the couple or one of the couples has no self-confidence problems, shyness is mostly due to the influence of myths. In order to get rid of the worrying effect of myths, it is necessary to be informed through the right channel. The websites of sexual therapy associations, sexual therapists, psychiatrists, hospitals and information books on sexuality written by these people can be used as accurate resources.
What advantages does sexual therapy support provide to strengthen communication?
Couples have the chance to be informed and improve themselves on issues such as false beliefs that affect sexual life, relaxation, confidence, getting rid of the feeling of shame, talking, touching, love games, providing the ideal environment, self-confidence and being at peace with their bodies, and finding solutions to the problems in their sexual lives.
What negative effects occur if communication in the bedroom is not achieved?
When sexuality cannot be discussed, the tension of the existing problem can be transferred to the other party through other unrelated problems. Labels attributed to the other party regarding the unspoken problem lead to the continuation of labeling in daily life through selective attention. Couples who frequently argue over small issues can become even more disconnected from each other because they lack a bonding glue like sex.
*Taken from Formsante magazine.