Now is the right place to ask Mr. Number Seven, sitting across from me, that wonderful question that I can’t get out of my mind. I can’t wait to tell you my score. Question: How many people have you been with so far? Until I hear the answer, you will remain Mr. Number Seven in my mind. Then what? I’m almost sure I’ll say maybe he’s Mr. Three, maybe he’s Mr. 12…
Writing: Simay Engür
As we wander the winding streets of Wonderland, we write down every stranger we encounter. Number one, pass. Next. Number two, pass. Next… Number six, pass. Next. Now, there is a magic number written in your notebook, six. My favorite number is six, some say it’s a lot; For some, it is a boring sign of inadequacy that winks at the peak of mediocrity. In one breathless pause, we talk about your past sex partners who are destined to be just a number. To ask that ‘magic’ number, all your close girlfriends and the possible number seven whose name you are preparing to write down are waiting on the alert, and maybe you, too, have already prepared to ask that question to Mr. number seven. So, is the magic number everything? Is zero more than 12? Is eight less than zero? In the TV series Friends, when Monica finds out that her boyfriend Richard has only been with two women; Why did he worry about the number of partners he had more than his lover? Dear numbers, we will beat you. Still, we can’t help but ask: How many people have you been with so far? Yes, no matter how much you deny it, six mistakes written in your notebook can lead to seven numbers. Here’s why your magic number almost always lies…
THE JOURNEY OF ZERO
It all started with zero, a cloud of dust. While sitting at a large table with a large group of girlfriends, 23-year-old Melike, who will be moving to America in a few months, put the page of her notebook, as clean as her heart and covered in white, in the middle of the table and asked, ‘What will I do with this in America?’ she asked. We looked at each other for a long time, could the ‘zero’ score before our eyes pass through the passport control of the adventurous America? Even if he passed, would he be able to get a residence permit? A few months later, we sent Melike off to America with the score ‘one’ which she proudly added to her notebook. Last summer, it was played one by one at millions of weddings accumulated from the previous year, and gram gold coins were worn, for better or worse. It’s not easy, everyone in a long relationship has their share of ‘when is yours?’ The question dropped. In one of these easy-to-imagine but hard-to-bear moments; 29-year-old Merve, who has been with the same person for years, gathered the girls’ council once again and asked what to do with the number ‘one’ written in her notebook. ‘I don’t want to marry Mr. One; What if I regret not having different experiences in the future?’ We did not send Merve off to the bachelorette or ‘Mr. Two’ victory with a plus score. His condition is stable and this big question remains relevant. However, as the conversation continued, the numbers were revealed, and things got even more confusing when one of our friends, who is bisexual, mentioned that he divided his magic number into two: male and female. As the numbers pile up; We realized that what matters is our experiences and that we need to focus on what these experiences contribute to us, good or bad. Good news: We’re not talking numbers anymore. But now we ask: Why do we assign a negative or positive value to our magic number and almost always lie about it? Clinical Psychologist Hulya Filipov explains the issue with research: “Surveys show that 18 percent of men inflate their numbers; whereas 18 percent of women reduce their number. Yet while we may say we are better off than in the past, this old double standard continues today, with women’s sexual experiences being judged much more harshly than men’s. As a result, almost everyone changes their answer depending on who is asking the question. ‘How many people have you been together?’ If it’s a group of girlfriends asking the question, here’s a bit of a bragging stage, you’re much more likely to be unflinchingly honest and maybe raise your score a bit, if you’re feeling competitive… If the person asking is your sweet new boyfriend who you’re dying to please and whose sexual history you don’t know about; “The answer can be very different.” Psychologist Hulya Filipov continued: ‘What is sex anyway?’ He continues: “Does sex mean relationship? What about those with whom you have oral sex or intense lovemaking sessions… Does it add up to the total? Sex is not about how many times a genital is penetrated; They are stories about sexual relationships that describe the person having sexual intercourse. So ‘what is sex?’ The question is important. People who cannot answer this question or who prevent themselves from living their desires due to fear of being judged, excluded, or marginalized in a heterosexist society should ask themselves this question… Maybe with this question, rather than the expectations of the heterosexist society; The person concentrates on his own flow of thought and can find his own wishes and desires and achieve change and transformation. “There is no such thing as a perfect number.” When you take all this into consideration, rather than worrying about how many people you’ve been with, ask ‘what is sex?’ or ‘What do I expect from sex?’ Concentrating on your questions; It will lead you to the right answers…
BEFORE YOU AFTER YOU
Now, millions of hearts have one question: We can’t gain any knowledge other than imagining our partner having sex with six different people.How many people have you been with before me??’ Why do we insistently ask this question to our lover?
Expert Clinical Psychologist Seda Işık, explains the issue as follows: “We often call this retroactive jealousy. In other words, we can say that the partner overexamines the romantic and sexual intimacies of his past, constantly questions them, and becomes uneasy with all of these. ‘Was it better than me, did you love it more, did you miss it, did you dream?’ and similar questions are the most innocent questions of retroactive jealousy. It can turn into an inextricable obsession with much more dangerous questions. High doses of unhealthy jealousy and obsessing over the past cause irreversible damage to relationships. However, every woman/man may wonder about their partner’s past relationships. “As questions such as how the relationship started, how it ended, what was the most discussed topic, what was done, also give us clues about what not to do today, we can turn the information gained into an advantage.”
After many questions and often millions of false answers, when you ask your lover this question, you want to hear not the magic number; but we actually know the magic sentence: ‘You are different!’ In short, neither the number eight is more valuable than the number 12; nor do you have to worry about your own zero after hearing your lover’s magic number…
Psychologist Seda Işık continues by saying, “There is always something better for everything, but…” To briefly exemplify this situation; Walking alone in the most beautiful forest in the world, or walking on a steep hill with your partner who holds your hand and whose warmth and support you feel? The answer that loving and passionate couples will give is obvious, and the same is true in sex. If you feel warmth, closeness, passion, lust; It is the sex you have or will have the best. We confuse the meaning of the terms sexuality and sex. “Sexuality has a wide range of physiological, psychological and sociological aspects.”
In short, numbers can always be deceiving. People in George Orwell’s novel 1984 believed that 2+2 equals five; We are almost certain that the result is four. Moreover, your magic number, 12, is equal to a million in your eyes; In your lover’s eyes, it may be closer to zero… Just as it is impossible to predict this in advance, this magic number always varies depending on who and what it has a positive or negative value. We know that ‘how many people have you been with?’ The question will never disappear, and 100 years from now people will continue to fill notebooks with human and robot scores. Are we exaggerating? Before we listen to lies that we will never know the truth of, we cannot help but ask one last time: What is your magic number?
YOUR LOVER’S MAGIC NUMBER
Why ask your lover ‘how many people have you been with?’ You shouldn’t ask the question? Clinical Psychologist Hulya Filipov explains: “How many people have you been with before me?” The question is undeniably interesting. If you’re curious about other areas of your partner’s life, why not wonder about their sexual history? But before asking this question, you need to think twice. What will knowing the answer do for you? In my opinion, there is very little gain. ‘From where?’ If you say; You may be dragged into comparisons and anxiety. Fewer partners does not mean safer sex, and the numbers mean nothing without knowing the circumstances. Research has changed the question to ‘who have you been with?’ When you change it to , it reveals that people are lying. What you really want to know is ‘am I special?’ it could be. ‘How many people?’ It would be more accurate to ask this instead. Another study shows that couples have this conversation one, two or four months after the relationship; but usually reveals they had sex after eight dates, about a month later. So the answer to this question probably doesn’t give you very useful information.”
MY MAGIC NUMBER
If you are asked ‘how many people have you been with?’ When you are asked, you may be shaping your score into the pattern you are in. So, do numbers really matter? We ask expert clinical psychologist Seda Işık. “The only reason why the number of sex is increased or decreased is the meaning that the person attaches to it. Although not always, feelings such as inadequacy, worthlessness and jealousy are at the forefront. Apart from this, the person says ‘I am preferred, I am experienced, I am enough to have sex!’ He may want to convey his thoughts such as these to the people in front of him. In short, sex is seen as a tool through which a person can prove that he is valuable, sufficient, strong, and his femininity and masculinity. The more sex, the more positive emotions. These thoughts, which are seen as the criterion of spiritual adequacy in women and physical adequacy in men, will cause performance anxiety and ultimately failure in sex in both sexes.”