Writing: Simay Engür
A couple walks around the exhibition together. The woman stands in front of one of the paintings for minutes and says she likes it very much. At the exit, the man approaches his girlfriend with a bag in his hand. The woman screams and says: “Don’t I have the strength to buy this painting? What is the need for this now? This mini story, compiled from a true event, cannot help but make us question where feminism left romance.
If you perceive your lover’s little surprises as an attack on your ego, and his attempts to pay the bill as a blow to your feet firmly planted on the ground, you are not alone. Today, many feminist movements have difficulty breaking out of the cocoon of radicalism, and as a result, the number of women experiencing unbearable pain in the process of committing to a man is increasing.
Feminism means that women from all social strata are equal to all other men. But today, this view seems to be a process specific to brand-adorned, high-heeled women, especially in Hollywood movies. In addition, the ‘love yourself’ view in personal development books adds a secondary illusion to our perception of feminism. In conclusion; ‘Who will pay the bill?’ If your relationship is going well, it can lead to a shallow argument between men and women, ‘I’m not a princess waiting to be rescued, what are these heroic attitudes?’ It can get stuck on obstacles that are difficult to climb, such as: Even these two basic problems cause women who define themselves as feminists to keep their distance from love. If you are approaching your lover cautiously just to avoid crushing ‘female power’, you must consider the individualism and Hollywood influence imposed on feminism from outside!
feminism versus feminism
When we think that feminism is stuck in individualism, it is not in vain that we think of why the character Samantha in the women’s holy series Sex and the City left her lover. Samantha tries to buy a jewel at auction. Her boyfriend, Smith, secretly joins the session and overwhelmingly buys the jewel for Samantha. Samantha comes home upset about her loss… But will the romantic surprise she encounters make her happy? No, on the contrary, it leads to separation. Because, in her opinion, this surprise is an insult to her feminine power. Now we wonder this; Would Samantha be this angry if her close friend Carrie had made this surprise? In fact, in the modern age of individualism and self-centeredness, the real problem of women who misunderstand feminism is ‘My sisters can help me. They alienate themselves with the mentality that “only the hand extended by a man makes me incapable”. In other words, it would not be an exaggeration to say that the fanaticism of feminism leads to its own destruction and vicious circle. It is worth saying that the moment you declare that you are a feminist, you begin to be controlled not only by the patriarchal system, but also by other feminists with whom you follow the same path. Especially when romantic relationships, which make everyone naive, are involved, you may be building a wall between you and your boyfriend that is difficult to break down, just because of this pressure and prejudice. Of course, we are not talking about an anti-feminist relationship. Because, contrary to popular belief, feminism is not against romance, living together, or marriage. They only advocate a partnership of love in which there is equal say. How Does? According to the recently rising concept of ‘liberal love discourse’, a kind of imaginary contract is signed stating that they will respect each other’s individual rights and freedoms throughout the relationship. Either party can terminate this agreement at any time. The word ‘partner’, which is used in English to mean lover or spouse, is a reflection of this partnership in the language. Although liberal loves may not sound very emotional, it is possible to say that they are a clear representation of the equality of men and women when it comes to romance or arguments. So, if you are constantly working extra hours to look dominant and play the difficult woman, there is no need for this. It is enough to make them feel that you are a partner. However, if you show your superiority at every opportunity, it means that you always carry the ‘repressed woman’ profile of the past centuries within you, you are on guard and therefore you are imprisoning the fate of women in the past.
Hollywood effect
In addition to the self-centered feminism inspired by self-help books today, the ‘perfect woman’ obligation in Hollywood movies also offers a completely different perception. Stereotypical feminist characters created by popular media pass our approval as women who are completely devoted to commodities and status. Author Michelle Goldberg defines this new movement as ‘shoping and fucking feminism’ and explains: “Shopping and fucking feminism is so compatible with the messages of the consumer society that the meaning of freedom; It means an active sex life, better food, pairs of Manolo Blahniks, a Betsey Johnson furnished wardrobe, a Kate Spade bag and MAC lipsticks.” As you can see, according to this feminist wave that we consent to without realizing it, equality is seen as a right that only women with a certain status and therefore clothes can demand. Ordinary women, on the other hand, can be perceived as being thrown out of the capitalist game and doomed to male domination unless they ‘modernise’.
So, what does this have to do with romance? According to the Romantic Belief Scale research conducted in 2004, men are more romantic than women… A woman who cannot rid herself of the mask of perfection uses her logic even when it comes to love and is completely selective about men. Men, on the other hand, only listen to their hearts in this regard. Of course, it is an undeniable fact that gender equality is the key to stable relationships. However, in the early days of the relationship, there is no harm in following cultural scripts with the mutual consent of both partners. We don’t even need to say that this is harmful in the long run. The trick here is to free feminism from peer pressure among women and to live relationships within the generality of ‘human’, not male-female.
so you?
You may not be able to connect to your lover because of the ‘woman’ image you have created in your mind under the influence of popular culture and personal development books. We are afraid you have misunderstood feminism very much…
• When your boyfriend wants to pay the bill, do you turn it into a feminine issue? Because he might just feel like buying you a meal…
• Do you hide your emotions and even sadness around your partner? Because one of the heaviest responsibilities of feminism is the myth of ‘appear strong’. However, being emotional is all about humanity. No generalization can be made based on men or women.
• Do you condemn a close girlfriend when she ditches you and wants to spend time with her boyfriend? Don’t forget that one of the biggest handicaps of feminism is the peer pressure that women put on women.
• Do you expose your sexual freedom to others in a new environment? Remember that this doesn’t prove any point, it’s just a matter of preference, and women’s liberation isn’t all about the vagina.
• Could you be putting your character into a typical ‘dominant male’ role in your relationship? A power likened to the criticized power of men, one of the endless vicious circles of feminism. To get rid of this vicious circle, reconsider your relationship with the ‘partner’ understanding we mentioned.