Sometimes one does not understand the change in the other. Even if he is actually with her, he does not notice that she is gone. Even if he notices, he doesn’t want to see it. If love means closing our eyes only for someone… If it means seeing what others cannot see but not seeing what they see… One day, you will start to see too. It’s as if a secret hand took away that talisman that was hidden in a secret place, maybe somewhere you don’t even know. Without knowing when or why it happened. Just like in the beginning. Just like you don’t know why it started, why it was him and not someone else. In fact, it goes as it comes… Sometimes both people are aware of everything. As time passes, they can no longer find that magic… But they don’t understand why and how they lost it, where they lost it… They resist; They talk again and again; They try to do something, to look for the lost talisman, to find it.
Going somewhere. Traces are left again in the endless snow cover. There is laughter as the snow lies down and rolls. Or, on sunlit mornings, they lie side by side and look at the unique sparkles on the sea together. They try to be alone again. Just like in the beginning. Just like the days when they ran away from others, from their closest friends who made up their lives, and tried to build a real or fake world just for the two of them.
Unfortunately, this effort is now in vain. Memories reappear in the memory, sometimes with a song, sometimes with a smell, with a simple distraction; as if it were about to come to life; Then it disappears as soon as you try to hold it. It turns into a bitterness that you cannot get rid of, an emptiness inside you that cannot be closed. At first, they always felt side by side, even when they were far away from each other. Now, on the contrary, even when we are together, they are far away…
Sometimes they continue to love each other. But loving, waking up in the morning thinking about him and sleeping at night remembering his face is so different… You remember those days when you felt his warmth even when he was never around. You can’t understand why he doesn’t feel this way now, next to you and under the hot sun. How weird; While he was far away, he was actually right next to you; Now it’s so far away that you can’t see it when you’re right next to it. The worst thing is when we are still in love with the lover who passes from our hands, like the snowman of our childhood that slowly melts before our eyes when the sun comes out, like a day calmly decreasing, like the balloon whose string we lost its grip slowly rising and disappearing.
It’s like a place where the mind is no longer useful. Wherever you go, whatever you do, whoever you are with, even if you participate in the entertainment that comes to everyone’s mind, that bitterness inside you will never leave you. Whether the song says “I’ve got you under my skin” or “You’ve stopped coming”; It’s like it was all written for you. These songs you always listen to suddenly take on a completely different meaning and it’s as if they secretly share with you the sadness that you thought no one else felt. Most of the time you are angry at that moment. Because you were treated unfairly? Because he cheated on you? Because he lied to you? Because he told you the truth? Because you’re disappointed? Is it because you actually think you’re a bad person now? Is it because you believe that you are wasting your time on someone and giving them a value they don’t deserve? No, actually not for any of them. And it doesn’t matter whether any or all of these are true. You’re just angry at him because he’s not with you anymore.
You experience ebbs and flows. On the same night. In the same hour. You criticize him to yourself, you become cold towards him, you believe that your heart has turned to stone for him. After a few minutes, you will find something to agree with him. You blame yourself. While remembering the bad words, good memories suddenly come to your mind. You go back and forth between despair and hope of finding a way. Then you fight with your pride and the truth. You realize that the right thing doesn’t make you happy. Maybe you don’t want to do the right thing. You want to try again, risk everything, be rejected, hear words you didn’t expect to hear, accept, forgive. This is how time passes. You think it will pass. Everyone says it will pass. Sometimes you talk to someone; You tell for a long time; They will tell you too. Everyone experiences similar things; He lived, but it still doesn’t change anything for you. Because what you experience is unique and unique to you. You don’t want to believe how you could have lost something so incredible. Time passes. Silence is the worst. Trying to reach them but not being able to reach them is even worse… Maybe your phones won’t be answered anymore. There is no response to your messages. The phone you’re waiting for never rings. You start thinking about where he is now and who he is with. Most importantly, with whom… You realize that there is nothing left to do anymore.
Maybe sometimes you believe you need to do something instead of standing away and accepting silence. Sometimes you decide to do the most unlikely things. You do crazy things sometimes. Things that will happen in movies… Sometimes you have to accept the truth. Because you said everything you could say. You can tell from the answers or what he doesn’t say what he feels or doesn’t feel. Sometimes someone leaves. To someone… To somewhere… To himself… To freedom… There remains a great emptiness inside, a tiredness. Sometimes, it is a void that you will suddenly fall into while you are in the middle of everything going on, among others, in the crowd, having fun, working, forgetting everything. And it’s just like that feeling you get in your stomach when you’re falling into a void. It’s like falling into a real void… How strange, the physical equivalent of the excitement you felt while getting to a meeting in the first days you saw him was exactly like this…