If you’re not with your partner 24/7, you’re probably texting throughout the day. And as with any conversation, when emotions run high, these messages can sometimes get heated. The event that you have probably experienced millions of times before without knowing that it is a real term, that is, fighting over a message, is called “fexting”.
“Fighting over text in a romantic relationship can feel like a back-to-back exchange of angry or hurtful messages,” explains sex therapist Martha Tara Lee. It often includes accusations and negative emotions conveyed via text for not being able to communicate face-to-face, Lee says.
Fexting can also be characterized by the lack of words exchanged. For example, it can look like asynchronous communication, says sex therapist Jenni Skyler, director of the Intimacy Institute. Basically, you know that your partner has his phone at hand, but he chooses not to answer you. Or when they do respond, they brush you off with short, simple answers.
If you’ve been through all this, you guessed it, Fexting is not the most effective way to argue with your partner. Skyler says that’s true, considering there’s a lot of room for miscommunication when texting.
But with long-distance relationships, work hours, or simply spending time apart with interested friends, sometimes fighting over text can be unavoidable, if not ideal. However, there are ways to make fexing more effective. According to experts, you may even learn how to make it an advantage for your relationship. Here’s what they recommend to make sure you do this as efficiently as possible.
How can you tell if you are fexing with your partner?
As previously mentioned, fighting with your partner over text can take a few different forms. If you notice any of these, you’re probably discussing:
- Anger or hostility conveyed through text
- Blames for past or current events
- hurtful name calling
- Late responses or ignoring
- Multiple or long messages expressing anger or something wrong
- Sadness or disappointment conveyed via text
- I don’t mind bringing up the issue in real life.
- Angry voicemails, photos or videos
The list goes on. But overall, these text exchanges have an “angry tone,” Skyler explains. And when you encounter them in real life, you’re likely to raise your voice, become visibly upset, and even cry.
What are the pros and cons of Fexting in a Relationship?
While fighting via texting can be unpleasant (and often counterproductive), there are some pros to it. For starters, texting gives you “a chance to take time to think about what you want to say before responding,” says Lee, which can be especially helpful if you tend to explode in a confrontation. This also means you have a recording of the conversation – an opportunity if you need it for therapy, if you want to confront your partner in real life, or if you just want to be able to follow how the conversation turned out.
However, Skyler suggests saving heated conversations for real life, or at least on a phone or video call. “Fights are very vulnerable,” Skyler says. “Nobody wants to be in them. Defaulting to messaging can be an easy way out and cowardice,” he says. While you may think you’re avoiding discomfort by communicating via mesak, “you’re making it harder on yourself because so much gets lost in the text,” Skyler explains.
During fexing, there’s a lot of potential for miscommunication, Lee says. You don’t have the context to hear your partner’s tone of voice, see nonverbal cues, connect with touch, and much more. All of this can exacerbate the conflict rather than help you reach a resolution.
When should you argue in real life?
A little Fexting can be nice, yes, but it’s still important to note when certain arguments are better resolved face to face. For starters, if a fight involves a complex or emotionally charged issue for both of you, expect it to happen in real life—especially if it’s a recurring topic of discussion between you.
Or, if you have a history of misunderstandings in your relationship when arguing over text, you’re likely not going to make much progress the next time a conflict arises. Instead, if you feel like a text message is entering argument territory, take a break until you can meet in person or on the phone.