Orhan Gencebay, “There is no servant without fault!” he’s right when he says. Because human nature makes mistakes. The important thing is to realize it, correct it and be able to recover from the mistake. Aside from those in daily life, such situations reflect on relationships differently. It is important to remember that men and women are two separate worlds. However, Psychologist Banu İkizgül stated that the first mistake made in relationships is the desire to have a perfect relationship without conflict and conflict and said, “There is no perfect relationship without conflict. It is a peaceful, balanced relationship where both parties are satisfied. Both parties should accept this and approach their relationship from this perspective,” he says.
While one of the couples can forgive their wrongdoing partner, another cannot accept it, and some may ignore it. However, just as it is natural to make mistakes that are closely related to personality traits, it is just as wrong to ignore this and act as if what happened, which the psychology community describes as a doormat, never happened. Because sometimes small mistakes can be ignored and lead to big explosions in different environments in the future. Psychologist İkizgül states that the mistakes encountered in relationships are seen due to communicative problems and defines the mistake as follows: “For example, disrespecting the other is an important mistake, like swearing! Because this is a situation that enters the borders of the other side and humiliates it. Violence can also appear as a common mistake, especially in marriages. But when we examine divorces in general, it is seen that there are more problems with communication between couples. Such as not being able to come to an agreement, not solving problems, not being able to establish a dialogue in the middle…”
Look for the fault yourself
Ignoring the mistakes made in relationships and not speaking cause big problems. The problem experienced and covered between the couple can lead to big explosions for another reason that will not fill the fig core with the accumulation of one or both of the partners. This causes both the fact that that problem is not actually solved and other problems are added on top of it. Stating that they try to be calm in such situations, and if they are very angry and angry, they suggest that they take a break, get away and calm down, Psk said. İkizgül said, “Then we sat down and said, ‘Something happened here and we had a problem. What was my part in it, what was your part in it?’ communication needs to be established. Because by constantly getting angry and complaining, we undermine our own happiness, not the other person’s. What are we doing while all this is going on? For a healthy relationship, we also need to take care of ourselves. If our partner is not happy, we cannot be happy either. In other words, when we argue and fight, we actually get upset and the problem is not resolved. The same is true for our partner. For this reason, we tell our clients, ‘If the road to your happiness is related to him, he will do the same as you heal yourself. Be a little selfish there!’ we say. But they miss the point. When there is a problem, they get upset again,” he says.
As a result of the mistakes, firstly, there is a lack of communication between the couples. The fact that one party pays the price instead of gaining from the union leads to the loss of that relationship. For this reason, the benefits and beauties of relationships should be much more. Ps. İkizgül also emphasizes the importance of changing our communication language. For example, instead of you, which is the beginning of an accusatory sentence, sentences starting with I or we should be formed: “In order to communicate effectively, it is important to use I thoughts and feelings instead of you language. I-language conveys nonjudgmental and non-commentary messages about the situation or behavior. It also includes the effect of the other person’s behavior on us. When we say, ‘I am sorry for this behavior, I felt bad,’ the listener tries to empathize by not judging us.”
NEED TO CUSTOMIZE
When it comes to the problems we experience, as a society, we run away from self-criticism. “We are human, that is how we are made. The eye looks outward, never turning inward. Therefore, we are always inclined to accuse,” said Psk. İkizgül explains this situation with the following example: “When couples come to therapy, when we say praise each other and say nice things, they cannot find a word to say within five minutes and they are very surprised. But if we tell the same couple to blame each other, they have something to say for an hour straight. This shows that we are not really open to criticizing ourselves. Blaming is the easiest thing, it takes the burden and responsibility from us, but no one is without fault… We increase our own unhappiness and anger by blaming all the time. We cannot focus on the solution process while we complain about something by saying, ‘Why didn’t it happen like this, why did it happen like this’. This leads to the prolongation and continuation of the problems.”
It is of great importance for the course of the relationship that the person who complains about the mistakes made by his wife makes self-criticism willingly. Because one side is constantly saying that I am doing it, he is not doing anything. So both sides have to make an effort. Sometimes, there may be problems that are not related to the couple at all at the root of the discussions and problems. İkizgül states that two people form a family, but before that they also come from different families and have personality traits, emphasizing that three issues should be examined in order to solve the problems: “For example, a female client of mine said that her husband was always offended. ‘Whenever I want to talk, he gets offended, I can’t talk about the problem. She doesn’t talk to me for three days. I’m chasing, I’m trying to talk, but she’s not talking,’ she was saying. After examining the situation of the spouse, we saw that the underlying issue was the resentment learned in childhood. Because she has earned what she has achieved through her resentful behavior. When he was little, his mother said, “Why are you getting offended, son,” and then understood the reason and acted accordingly. But when they applied to us, the woman described the man’s behavior as stubborn. When he realized the reason for this, he started not seeing his female partner as an enemy. While the man also thought of it as something he did to her, he saw that this problem was a pattern from his past. Thus, instead of seeing each other as enemies, they began to empathize with improving their relationships and solving their problems.”
Don’t wait for the last drop
If you are unhappy, if the relationship no longer satisfies you, if you cannot talk and share with your partner, you need to make an effort to resolve them. Only one person cannot do this. It is important that both parties support the process. İkizgül states that it is necessary to seek help from an expert in this regard and says that couples’ requests for support have increased recently: “There is no need to be patient until the last drop and wait for the glass to overflow. Perceiving the signals of a bad relationship before and applying to a specialist can provide a solution. For example, a couple who got married after a nice date complains that their lives have changed after signing the wedding book, and both parties can say that the other is a different person. In such cases, it is necessary to compare the relationship to a table. The couple’s dating period, their relationship with each other, and their happy memories form the legs of the table. But with marriage, burdens such as family life, couples’ own families, children, financial problems, and struggle for life begin to fall on the table. This causes the feet to gradually wear out. Over time, the feet do not take the pressure on the table and collapses begin. For this reason, we suggest that you either replace those feet with new ones or repair the existing ones. For example, if you go to the movies before you get married, you need to continue this after you get married. Or, taking a small vacation can bring color to the marriage. This is actually an unexpected, unnoticed process. As these burdens increase, so do the costs. And the costs cause the troubles to multiply.”
Constantly forgiving can break your psychology
There should be a limit to playing the game of happiness by not seeing the mistakes made by your spouse or partner. Because when it comes to fault in a relationship, not only emotional or psychological ones are meant. Hiding financial problems and lying are also in the category of big mistakes. If one partner sees the other doing more than once and ignores it repeatedly, this is acceptance. As you accept it, the other side repeats it over and over. This situation can be very distressing for one side. Therefore, if there is something that is constantly repeated and renewed, it means that there is a problem in the relationship. Because when couples get married, they mutually swear honesty, openness and loyalty to each other.
Banu İkizgül said, “Even though he pretends to be outwardly by ignoring his mistakes, in fact, the person starts to try the other person constantly in order to repair his destroyed trust. This creates anxiety and obsession. Imagine having to constantly think about what your partner will do, what kind of lie he will come up with, and play detective! This not only consumes a person’s energy, but also tires his mind. In later cases, it can lead to consequences such as anxiety and depression.
“When one partner sees the other doing it more than once and ignores it repeatedly, it’s acceptance. As you accept it, the other side repeats it over and over. This situation can be very distressing for one side.”
LIVING TELLING
I finally exploded!
“At first everything was going very well. At the end of our first year together, we decided to live in the same house. Whatever happened happened after that. Turns out my girlfriend has been giving an Oscar-worthy performance since the days we started dating. The man who always had a tidy house, well-groomed, and worked wonders in the kitchen left, and was replaced by a man playing games in front of the computer, one of his socks in the bedroom and the other in the hall, eating the sandwich in his hand. At first, I thought she was away from the housework and kitchen because a woman touched it. It turned out that whenever I would come, she would have her house cleaned and cooked. In order to steal my heart, I swallowed them by saying innocent lies and tried not to see what they were doing. But when I came home tired from work and offered to order some food, he said to me, ‘What are you doing in this house, can’t you even cook a meal?’ When he said that, all my switches blew. I shouted in his face everything I had been holding inside until that moment, I pulled the door and went out. Luckily, I didn’t evacuate my house right away, taking lessons from my friends’ experiences. Now I am at home, very happy with my new girlfriend.”
Nilay D.
Forgive me for fear of being alone
“Three years ago I found out my wife was cheating on me. The world collapsed on me. I cannot describe the pain I went through. I felt something similar when I lost my father. I was devastated but didn’t know what to do. I didn’t put it before, I thought the pose in the photo I found was from sincerity. Because I knew he was a college classmate next to him. Then I put the pieces together. After meeting again at the 20th year alumni meeting, they began to see each other very often. He was also coming to our house. He was playing with my daughter, buying her gifts all the time, and trying to be my best friend. I thought he was friendly, how could I have known that he had relations with my wife… I was very bad in this process, but I came to my senses. Because my wife realized that there was a problem with me. I started seeing a therapist without making him feel. Maybe what I did was wrong, but I continued to stay in my marriage knowing that their relationship continued. They broke up a while ago, I know this because the woman’s comings and goings stopped, my phone calls were deadlocked. Now all the emotions I suppressed came back. I want to stand in front of my wife and shout to her that I know everything. But while I’m through this ordeal, I don’t dare to jeopardize my marriage because of a broken relationship.”
Latifa M.
*Retrieved from Formsanté/May 2015 issue.