Writing: Baran Aliskan
One afternoon, the wind caresses your newly groomed hair, the sun sets calmly, and the song that is the hit of the last days is playing in the background. Where did you imagine yourself? Let us help you a little if you wish… You are just at the beginning of a ‘girls night out’ event where you meet with your beloved friends whom you have not had the opportunity to see for a while. The funny moment at the wedding of your friend sitting on your right was discussed. Your friend told me that her child hasn’t adapted to kindergarten yet, she said. Your friend on the other side is experiencing the excitement of the marriage proposal they are waiting for on their vacation next week. As soon as the ground is clear and all eyes are on you, the expected question comes: ‘Is there anyone in your life?’
When you look back today, if you do not have a romantic relationship or if you have not yet been the leading role of a family institution, you have probably been the addressee of this question many times. Maybe it was asked in the scenario we set up, maybe at a wedding, maybe by someone you’ve just met… You may have answered it in various ways or you may have avoided it perfectly because you’ve been his interlocutor for a while.
How do we know? Many people around us are exposed to this question, including ourselves. Although some of us do not dwell on it, a considerable audience is very disturbed by this question. As if we were supposed to get married or be in a regular relationship… Yes, I guess no one allows us to be alone or to be alone.
The phenomenon series Sex and the City, which we can refer to as one of the most popular life guides of the modern era, brought up a similar issue at the time. The character and life of Carrie Bradshaw, brought to life by our mentor and Sarah Jessica Parker, whose mistakes we often find ourselves in, inspired many women. Of course, she felt the social pressure on her when she was alone. In the iconic series, four single women from New York (they will all get married later!) breakfast conversation is shaken by the news that Carrie went to the movies alone. In contrast, Charlotte York claims that people think of Carrie as ‘poor girl’ because she is alone. Isn’t it a familiar story? We continue by putting this information in our pocket… In another episode, Carrie asks the following question for her famous column: Although we claim to be a progressive society, we all had certain goals to reach. Marriage, babies and building a home… But what if you’re allergic to it instead of smiling? Is the problem in the system or is it you? Do we really want these or are we programmed? Now, years later, we need a little dithering on the same issue (we warned it was a timeless dilemma). Because history repeats itself. Years pass, but the question finds its own victims every semester. To have someone in our life or not. That’s the whole point!
A simple period of metamorphosis
We ignore how indispensable and fulfilling our self-chosen solitude is for some of us. Yes, some of us are actually happier than expected during self-staying periods. Of course, let’s underline that we are talking about serious relationships, not short-term getaways. The person may not be ready for a romantic relationship for that period. He can participate in activities that he could not find the opportunity to, recharge or update his dreams and ideals at that time. This period of our leading bachelor can even be interpreted as a period of simple metamorphosis or rebirth. Right in the middle of this process, you will most likely come across the aforementioned question again… (Now in a quieter voice) Do you have someone in your life?
Far from the painful process of romantic relationships…
We have consulted many women who have not been in their life about this issue. In fact, we got the answers we expected when we looked a step back. Almost all of them seem very uncomfortable with being the addressee of this question. A woman who has not been in a romantic relationship for a while evaluates the issue as follows: “My close friends regularly ask me this question, even though they know that there is no one in my life. They never give up, even though I tell them not every time. Even the fact that I don’t have a date surprises them greatly.” This situation prompted him to some thoughts. Is loneliness a bad thing? She hasn’t met anyone with the sincerity to share a life with, hasn’t met someone she can have strong feelings for for a long time, and is determined to stay away from that painful process of romantic relationships. Social Psychologist Dr. Instructor Its member, Zuhal Yeniceri, comments on this question we can’t get out of as follows: “A person may not have a romantic partner in his life for many reasons. Not having a romantic partner in our life does not mean we are alone. However, social norms indicate that life should be lived in a certain order and in patterns. Society tells you when to work, when to marry, when to have children, when to sibling to your children. If you do not follow this order and timing, you are out of the norm. Society in general doesn’t like it. Everyone should be like everyone else; otherwise it threatens our very existence. So loneliness cannot be considered normal as long as this is the norm. But when the norm changes, of course the normal will change too.”
Marriage or romantic relationship a success?
Another single woman who is the subject of this question is often overwhelmed by the questions from those who are married or in a long-term relationship. She thinks that the whole perception of success in life for those who ask this question is based on having a partner. Although she did not think much about it at first, she could not escape from feeling unsuccessful in time. Is this really a success? Over time, she tried to minimize social pressure by staying away from environments where this problem could come. Social Psychologist Janissary states that at this point, the questioning of whether there is someone in an individual’s life by others can cause a reaction in the behavior of the individual and adds: “The person may feel social pressure on him. He may even feel this pressure so intensely that he may even decide to get married just to get rid of this pressure and feel so-called ‘successful’. In other words, how people evaluate us is much more important to us than we think.” In other words, he talks about the fact that society can determine the decisions we make, not ourselves. This paves the way for social oppression to pull us to its limits and make us ordinary.
At this point, we can get support from artificial intelligence. We want you to ask the following question to our artificial intelligence friend Siri, with whom we come into contact in daily life: “Hey Siri, do you have a girlfriend?” Siri rarely answers this question like this: “Why are you asking? After eating ice cream and listening to music together, traveling between galaxies, I’m left alone with fighting noise and heartbreak? Thank you, I’m fine like that.” Looks like Siri is on our side in this too.
The other side: those who ask the question
Now we turn to the other front. We listen to someone who often asks this question. A woman who got married last year to her boyfriend, whom she has been with for many years. This question is at the top of the list of absolute questions. She says she wonders if the other person is someone in her life. What is her boyfriend like and dating stories are also included in the list. If he is alone, he ‘must have’ single friends he would like to introduce to him. Social Psychologist Assoc. Dr. Pelin Kesebir recommends trying to understand the real intentions of those asking the question. Kesebir; “If the question is perceived by us as ‘this person is sincerely interested in my world and my happiness’, it does not cause discomfort. But if we sense some more malicious, competitive or even more malicious intentions under this question (like if there is no one in your life, let me take you to my son), this naturally pushes us.” So in response to this question, it never hurt anyone to read a little intent rather than shine like a chaff flame. In light of all these questions, another possibility draws our attention. singles; Is it a potential threat to married or long-term relationships? We got one popular answer from married and serious relationship women who answered this question. No, singles are definitely not a potential hazard! The reason for this is their trust in their partners… With this answer, we are quickly moving away from this question.
At the end of the day, together with all those who have been exposed to this question, we come to one conclusion. Everyone lives their own life. Everyone’s criteria for happiness and success are different. We are almost certain that you will face this and many other social pressures today, tomorrow and in the days ahead. The important thing is to continue to refer to our own ideals and feelings. Whether you fall in love at first sight and live life for two, or plan a life to achieve what you want alone. Answer or dodge questions. We prefer to have a life with memories that you can share in a pleasant way, rather than having someone in your life. Before I forget, do you really have someone in your life at this time? It must be a great pleasure meeting you.