Article: Ayşegül Uyanık Örnekal
Summer is one of the most beautiful seasons to get married… In these days when the sweet flurry of winter is drawing to a close, sweet-hard arguments are also common between couples. However, it is necessary to be sure that these problems, which start with tension, will not increase after marriage and will not cause bigger problems in the coming days. Because no one marries to be separated from the person with whom they have made a home by promising to be together in sickness and in health. We knocked on the door of Saadet Merih Çengel, a Clinical Psychologist from NPİSTANBUL Brain Hospital, to discuss an issue that we think will help young couples in this regard, and got answers to the questions that couples should ask each other before saying “yes”. Ps. Çengel made statements by noting that those who do not have the courage to ask the following 13 questions from the beginning may have to answer much more difficult questions later on.
What do you expect from the future?
It is important for couples to head towards the same goal and walk together. This brings up the long-term unity of purpose in the family. If the location where couples want to see the family 5-10 years from each other is different, it means that there will be tension in the future. Couples with a unity of purpose grow together with firm steps, which strengthens the family.
Why do you think we’re right for each other?
For a happy marriage, it is important for the spouses to be compatible with each other and to be able to form a greater whole together. Spouses need to get to know both themselves and each other in order to be able to evaluate compatibility. However, if the person does not know himself well enough, he cannot recognize his compatible soul mate. Therefore, first of all, he needs to know what he likes and dislikes, his character, inclinations, sensitivities, obsessions, psychology, whether he is ready to take responsibility and what is indispensable. In addition, it is important to examine the levels of compassion, sharing, tolerance, respect, empathy, self-sacrifice, trust and trust. These social skills of people who are known to be agreeable and have established strong friendships in the past are also reflected positively on their marriages. The better the person knows himself, the easier he can recognize the partner who has the characteristics that will provide a harmonious union with him. Complete and accurate information-based assessment helps prevent unpleasant surprises in the future.
Do you miss being with me when we’re apart?
The basis of a harmonious marriage consists of mutual love. People also miss the things that make them happy, like being with their loved ones. The longing that one feels to see one’s lover and the fact that time flies when they are together show that this lively emotional bond has been established. In an environment where love is sure, the person feels comfortable and becomes in his natural state. If couples are intellectually compatible and can produce dirt together, the relationship becomes stronger with this new dimension. Two people who are in perfect harmony can grow together, feeling like close friends.
What are your core values?
Sharing the same values strengthens the family and reduces the risk of conflict of values. Otherwise, communication and mutual respect are indispensable for family peace. If there are different religious and political views and if too much importance is given to them, there may be problems in the family. A similar danger can be in question for team supporters, if they exceed the dose of sweet competition and reach the level of fanaticism. Different understandings can add color to the marriage if it does not exceed the size of the dirt.
Do you have a secret from your past?
Everyone has a dark side. Past relationships, engagements, marriages and even children… This list can be expanded to include alcohol or gambling addiction, mental health illness, poor track record and nutritional disorders. All of these can affect the quality of marriage. The person to be married comes with his past and he has to make an account of whether the other party can accept them. Because the traces of the past can continue to cast a shadow over the future.
What are your expectations from me as a wife?
Since everyone dreams of an ideal wife, it is expected that the other party will behave accordingly when they get married. Otherwise, there is disappointment. To avoid this reality bump, brides and grooms-to-be should discuss their expectations of each other beforehand. Because the family requires mutual sacrifice, one must be able to put the wishes of one’s spouse before one’s own when necessary. One thing to remember is that no one is perfect! Therefore, it is unrealistic for someone who does not have this feature to expect the same from the other side. Everyone has their own shortcomings, flaws, limitations and situations that are not pleasing to the other side. Being able to accept these shortcomings and live with them is important for a healthy marriage. Spouses need to focus not on each other’s shortcomings, but on their contributions that enrich their lives and add new dimensions.
How do you save?
For couples who are just getting married, money is a bit taboo and incompatible with romance, so this sensitive subject is not much discussed. But one of the leading causes of family quarrels and even divorce is disputes over spending money. In order to avoid future tensions, spouses’ philosophies on money management need to be compatible with each other.
Do you seek reconciliation in disputes?
It is quite normal for people from different socio-cultural backgrounds and with different perspectives to disagree from time to time. In a healthy relationship, with a constructive approach and empathy, spouses meet and compromise on a common point. For this, people need to have the culture of seeing things from the eyes of others and displaying a conciliatory approach. This shows the importance of communication skills. Negative dynamics that threaten family unity such as anger, resentment and blame begin to occur in relationships where there is no basis for reconciliation, and these spread over time. Are you able to reconcile when you’re dating or engaged, or do you sweep differences under the rug? If the arguments reach ugly and hurtful dimensions, expecting that the spouse will change and this problem will disappear when you get married is nothing more than closing one’s eyes to reality.
How is your health, do you have any bad habits?
As a requirement of honesty, it is important for spouses to share information about their physical and mental health with each other. It is important to talk about diabetes, epilepsy or hereditary disorders in the family, a past psychological breakdown and its causes. Addictions such as alcohol, gambling, drugs, cigarettes, games and the internet should not be underestimated because these problems can complicate the life of the family.
How many children do you think?
Efforts to relax financially, buy a house and a car, and career ambitions can bring up the postponement of having children. In addition, men need to get used to the crisis that they will stop being machismo and change the baby’s diaper. It is important to talk about them from the beginning so that false expectations are not formed.
If I have a disagreement with your mother, whose side will you be with?
While the families of the young couple often try to be beneficial to the newlyweds in good faith, they can become harmful by exceeding the healthy dosage. There are disagreements between the newly married couple because they cannot empathize with young people. Most of the time, the person who finds himself in a difficult situation between his spouse and his parents, makes both of them offended when there is no party. However, newlyweds are expected to draw their boundaries as a couple and show the maturity to take a common stance.
How much will we sacrifice our independence when we get married?
A common cause of resistance to marriage among individuals is the fear of losing their customary independent lifestyle and freedoms. In other words, he is afraid to say goodbye to the habits that bind him to life and are a part of his personality. But marriage doesn’t have to destroy singleness routines and personalities. It is important for spouses to maintain many habits that are a source of happiness while single. A new life partner is made with marriage, but this does not mean that one includes his spouse in every social activity. Confident couples do not see this freedom as a threat. It is considered quite natural and healthy for spouses to have a free zone where new interests are created, such as meeting with their friends. A spouse who has lost their independence and feels under constant control cannot be happy and cannot give happiness to others. For a healthy marriage, spouses need to respect each other’s individuality and allow a wide range of freedom.
How do you deal with anger? Has there been violence in your family?
Couples don’t get to know each other until they see their worst. Like water, humans have a boiling point, of course. This is different for everyone. There can be intense emotional outbursts from time to time. Anger and anger are also included in this group. It is desirable that the person gets angry late, does not lose control when angry and does not become hurtful. However, the fact that anger triggers violence should not be ignored. Because this signifies red alert for the relationship.
* Taken from Formsante magazine.
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