Writing: Ayşegül Uyanık Örnekal
Do you think that your relationship status with your lover, to whom you are attached with great love and passion, has changed? If you feel protection rather than desire towards him, be careful! Like many women, you may have taken on the role of your lover’s mother. Even though it screams “I’m here” with some symptoms, it takes a while for this situation to emerge. Although sometimes men are happy about this, sometimes there may be consequences that will deeply damage the relationship. We talked with Sebahat Filiz, Expert Psychologist and Psychotherapist from US Psychiatry Institute, about the effects of taking on the mother role in a relationship, and learned what to pay attention to.
How should the distribution of roles be in male-female relationships?
Idealization is an important factor in partner selection. In other words, the person is affected by certain characteristics that he thinks the other party has. What makes these features attractive is that they often appear as features that the person does not have but wishes he had. For example; An introvert person may find a partner with strong social relations attractive. In this sense, the distribution of roles develops due to the nature of the romantic relationship and the couple creates a unique balance. The balance in question can be likened to “acrobats walking on the same tightrope”. The posture and behavior of both parties creates a balance, keeping them safe on the rope. One-sided efforts can create disappointment.
Well, what kind of problems arise otherwise, in a distribution where only one party bears the responsibility?
Taking on unilateral responsibility or taking on the burden of the other can be tiring and exhausting. Although this seems like a balance, over time one of the partners may show signs of burnout. He can be tense, angry, withdrawn and depressed. When this situation turns into a lifestyle, it can cause problems in all areas of life as it disrupts the work-life balance. None of us can enjoy life just by giving. The lack of balance of giving and receiving in relationships is also reflected in the person’s spiritual balance. It’s tiring to feel like you’re the only one giving when you’re in a relationship. Sometimes a person cannot both see and receive what is given. Partners offer things to each other, but they cannot make sense of them, so being always giving can sometimes be just a feeling.
In couple relationships, some women may take on the role of mother over time. What lies beneath this?
The foundation of the couple’s relationship is based on family. In fact, parenting roles are always active. Two people who decide to be together become each other’s caregivers, in a sense. This means; Couples begin to assume for each other the roles that parents undertake for individuals. A person’s first object of love is his mother. He first experiences both receiving and giving love through this channel. The basis of the couple relationship is built on feeling love. In this sense, the dynamics acquired from the mother can manifest themselves behaviorally in the relationship.
What tips should women who became mothers while they were lovers pay attention to if they are not aware of this?
In the relationship, taking on the role of a parent, rather than acting like an adult woman, is often combined with the other party taking on the role of a child. Finding your partner childish can be an alarm in this sense. Is your partner acting childish or is it your parental attitudes that lead him to do so? This can proceed in a cycle. It is important to realize this. Feeling like the person primarily responsible for the decisions in your partner’s life can give an important signal. What he wears at a party, how much alcohol and cigarettes he consumes, how much sleep he gets, how much money he earns from his job, how he drives, whether he eats healthy, whether he shaves or not… Feeling that he has a primary say in these and similar issues, he intervenes. Feeling the need is a sign. Because an adult man can make his own decisions and is also responsible for them. If he wishes, he can consult his partner on some issues. Acting more responsibly on decisions without consulting him or her may also be a symptom. Another tip is to not find yourself or your partner sexually attractive. However, it should not be forgotten that a healthy sexual life is experienced between two adults. Apart from supporting your partner, not feeling efficient and productive is also one of the clues to pay attention to! Acting like a parent consumes a lot of energy and can suppress the desires and desires of your adult self. For example; What would be the result if a person used his time and energy for creativity instead of spending it on what his partner had for lunch? While there are many areas where women can demonstrate their skills and talents, being stuck in a cycle with only the role of motherhood can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction and inadequacy.
Is it possible to say that men who consider such behavior normal and do not react are traumatized and grew up deprived of attention during their childhood?
Such a generalization cannot be made, but considering this situation normal and even needing it can mean rejecting spiritual growth. This can cause trouble not only in romantic relationships but also in daily life. One of the important psychological developmental stages is the individual’s ability to break the bond with his/her birth mother or caregiver in a healthy way, that is, his/her individualization. Living this phase unhealthy can cause the mother-son relationship to continue with dependency and can also be reflected in the couple’s relationship.
Is the saying “Men marry women who look like their mothers” a cliché, or is there any truth to it?
In fact, there is both a cliché and a grain of truth! What is familiar to human beings also seems safe. Because we approach everything new and unfamiliar with suspicion. As an object of love, the most familiar primary person for everyone is either the mother or the person who takes her place and provides care. Therefore, the one who resembles the mother also becomes the safe one/default.
What are the chances of such a relationship being long-lasting or not? For what kind of characters is it attractive and for whom is it troublesome?
The lifespan of a relationship is determined by people’s emotional investment and effort. Relationship requires effort and responsibility. For a healthy and satisfying relationship; The person needs enough trust to open his/her fragile side, enough support to express his needs, and enough compassion to accept him as he is.
If he is in the role of a parent and his partner acts with the child’s ego, how safe can he feel or how much can he express his needs?
Although a parent-child model relationship may seem attractive for an adult who rejects adult responsibilities and growth, it eventually creates problems in terms of the functionality of daily life. It can be natural and even restorative to feel like a child from time to time and to see a mother’s compassion in your partner. However, if this is the only form of harmony in the relationship, dissatisfaction may develop over time. The tension of an unsatisfying relationship can also have a negative impact on unexpected areas of life. For example; such as deterioration in social relationships, feelings of failure and inadequacy in business life, difficulty in communicating with children, and unexplained outbursts of anger…
You can also be a parent when necessary!
What is important in a couple relationship is to be able to offer parental affection to your adult self while maintaining an adult relationship, to allow your childish side from time to time, to sometimes have fun like a child or cry like a child. Because adult teachings also take their basis from parents. Stating that a parent’s knowledge and skills are sometimes necessary and sometimes functional, Expert Psychologist-Psychotherapist Sebahat Filiz said, “If you have a partner who you think cries like a child, it is necessary to consider the possibility of a vulnerability that touches his childish side. In such a situation, you can console him as if you were his parent and together you can return to your adult self. If you and your partner can mutually return to your adult feeling and adult balance, there is no harm in not feeling or acting like a parent from time to time. “As long as your relationship is not based on parental behavior, remember that your primary role is that of an adult woman or a man,” he says.
*Taken from Formsante magazine.