Article: Ayşegül Uyanık Örnekal
There are some relationships where one of the parties literally subjugates the other. A person who does not want to lose his partner can compromise himself by accepting everything that is done. The side that holds the power treats him like an object and may suddenly give up one day. In some cases, both parties surrender themselves to their partner with unconditional surrender. In such relationships, where affection, respect and love are at the forefront, problems can be solved by talking and making joint decisions. We talked to Clinical Psychologist and Couple Therapist Serhat Damar about surrender in two different types of relationships. The answers to questions such as the internal structure of such relationships, how they are perceived by the partners, and how they appear from the outside can be answered by Clinical Psychologist. We learned from Damar.
HOW SHOULD THE BALANCE OF POWER BE IN THE ASSOCIATIONS? IS THERE AN IDEAL FORM FOR THIS?
This situation divides us into two sides: “winners” and “losers”. However, the aim of a couple’s relationship should not be winning and losing, but sharing and mutual development. For a healthy relationship, it is important that the power is not concentrated in one person. It should be distributed equally to men and women. On the other hand, the needle may be on the side of women in some areas and on the side of men in others. When the balance is established in this way, both parties can feel “strong”.
IF ONE PARTNER IS DOMINANT, CAN THERE BE PROBLEMS IN THE RELATIONSHIP?
In such a situation, when all the power is on one side, “power poisoning” occurs. The partner, who concentrates all the power on himself instead of sharing, begins to despise his partner over time. There are scientific studies on this subject that show that when people see themselves as very powerful, they begin to perceive those around them as “objects”. The same goes for couple and marital relationships. When one partner feels very powerful, they begin to see the other as an object. After a while, the spouse who is seen as a commodity becomes even more worthless and is perceived as a “burden”. The perception of the dominant partner is constantly changing towards more negative. In couples’ spontaneous dialogues with each other in couples therapy sessions, one partner reveals his power over the other through the language he uses. He insults his partner and says derogatory words, but he does not realize this. Words that gentle men and women would not say are said because of this power. Even though the therapist draws attention to the issue many times, the same address, insults and sarcasm appear every time. The situation in question stems from the fact that this pattern in the couple’s relationship has now become permanent. While this pattern turns the relationship into a toxic one, it also destroys it. Because no one can be happy with a partner who they constantly humiliate, insult and see as an “object”. The party exposed to such behavior loses their love and emotional bond with their spouse over time, but at the same time, they make desperate efforts not to be abandoned.
IN CASE OF UNBALANCE, IS IT POSSIBLE FOR THE WEAK PARTY TO APPROACH TO ITS PARTNER WITH FULL SURRENDER? HOW DOES SUCH A SITUATION AFFECT THE RELATIONSHIP?
Yes, in case of imbalance, the weaker party can approach its partner with complete submission. Thus, the couple’s relationship turns into the union of a powerful person and a passive and poor person who has no power. The unbalanced distribution of power and the fact that it is all concentrated in one partner makes him/her the sole ruler of the relationship. From the way of communication to making decisions on important issues, whether the relationship continues or ends, the stronger party has all the say. What your partner or spouse thinks or feels is ignored. When power is not distributed among partners, it becomes corrupt and corrupt. It turns into humiliation, disdain, condescension and psychological pressure similar to mobbing, which is seen in the same workplaces. This type of relationship is not good for any woman or man and creates serious emotional problems.
IN THIS TABLE, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT A POWER-BASED SUBMISSION. IS IT POSSIBLE TO TALK ABOUT LOVE IN SUCH A COUPLE?
In couples where one party is strong and the other submits to this, we can talk about the love of the oppressed party. The submissive party loves and submits to what their partner or spouse does. He turns a blind eye to all this in the hope that she will become interested in him again. Out of fear of losing her, he ignores almost every humiliation and tolerates it. The stronger partner, on the other hand, treats his wife in a more humiliating and alienating way in the face of this submissive behavior and submission. Because he knows that he is submitting to everything he did before. Thinking that he has to submit to new ones, humiliation, psychological violence and devaluation gradually increase. When the anger of the spouse who concentrates the power is added to the feeling of disgust at his partner and the situation he is in, the distance between the couple increases even more.
IF WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT HEALTHIER RELATIONSHIPS… IS IT RIGHT TO BE SUBMISSIONER IN A RELATIONSHIP? SO, INSTEAD OF CONTROLLING THINGS IN TOGETHER, DOES LETTING THEM FLOW MAKES THE RELATIONSHIP HEALTHIER, HAPPIER AND PEACEFUL?
Neither letting things flow or taking control in a couple’s relationship will make the relationship healthier. Relationships in which spouses completely liberate each other and let everything flow are disconnected in a way. Emotional bonds cannot deepen. Spouses’ systematic control of each other and the things in their relationship damages the relational space needed by the union, turning this picture into the mechanical relationship of two robots trying to take control of each other. However, the nature of the couple relationship lies in submission. This submission is two-way, in the form of a relationship in which everyone turns to each other and has power over them. In a couple’s relationship that is meaningful and has emotional depth, the man has power over the woman. The same situation is seen for women.
CAN WE SAY THAT THE BASIS OF THIS IS PURE LOVE? HOW DOES REMOVING AWAY FROM ALL EGO, AMBITANCE AND CONTROL OBSESSIONS WITH SOMEONE WITH WHICH THEY FIND PEACE AFFECT A PERSON?
Although it is difficult to remove people from all ambition, ego and control obsessions, it is possible to soften them. When someone is around someone with whom they feel at peace, they can soften such obsessions and become more harmonious and balanced. We can describe this as reaching the purity of a child and the relationship he establishes with his mother. The relationship between men and women is an area where the influence of power is absolute. Although we cannot achieve the purity of the relationship between mother and child, we can protect both ourselves and our relationship by ensuring the power is distributed between spouses. When both power and submission are one-sided in a couple relationship, the resulting power can poison both partners and the relationship. Therefore, relationships in which there is mutual submission and power sharing are considered healthy.
WHAT IS WAITING FOR PARTNERS IN THIS TABLE?
The primary expectation is a balanced relationship! In this way, both parties are satisfied with the relationship. Because this type of relationship makes it easier for people to meet their needs. Attachment, care, love, compassion and acceptance are among the characteristics of these relationships.
HOW DOES THE COUPLE’S SURROUNDINGS REACT TO THIS SITUATION?
The resulting reaction varies depending on the characteristics of the environment. If the people around you prefer a couple relationship where one-sided submission and power is concentrated in one person and the other partner is oppressed, the reaction sometimes appears with sarcasm, sometimes with strangeness, and sometimes with rejection. However, if a couple’s relationship with the characteristics of “mutual submission” and “sharing of power”, which I have stated to be healthier, is preferred, the environment also approves of this.
DO SUCH COOPERATIONS LAST LONG?
Yes, the relationship has both longevity and emotional depth. This results in the couple bonding with each other with deeper and stronger bonds, which is actually the basis of a long-lasting relationship. Rather than establishing long-lasting relationships, it is in human nature to “be together forever”, that is, to stay together forever, without choosing any short or long life…
BREAKUPS VARY DEPENDING ON RELATIONSHIP TYPE
Submission in a relationship is considered from two different perspectives. While sometimes we come across relationships in which one of the partners is literally enslaved and becomes no different from an object, sometimes the opposite is seen. So what happens if there is a separation? Clinical Psychologist Serhat Damar states that in order to answer this question, it is necessary to divide such relationships into two groups and says: “The first group includes couples who experience mutual submission. Among these people, power is distributed between men and women and there is balance. Balance also shows itself in emotions. Emotions such as extreme anger, suspicion and jealousy that disrupt this situation and the harmony of the couple are rarely encountered. If such a problem arises, a solution can be found between the couple. Whether these people stay together or separate happens regardless of the influence of power. In both cases the balance factor is not affected. In the second group of relationships, where the weaker partner submits and the stronger partner oppresses and humiliates him, the oppressed party is afraid of separation. Even if he experiences bad behavior from his spouse or partner, he continues to make desperate efforts to continue the relationship. He cannot see that unilateral surrender is harmful. He does not want to accept the meaninglessness of his efforts while experiencing the negative emotions such as worthlessness, shame and guilt that this relationship makes him feel and shouldering the burden of them. While the one who is threatened with separation and abandonment is always the one who surrenders, the one who threatens has the power. In these relationships, in most cases, the one who leaves is the one who is strong, and the one who is abandoned is the one who submits. Once the relationship is broken, the stronger party sees the other person as no more than an object. “Sometimes he can put it in a corner of his house, sometimes he can keep it out of his sight, and sometimes he can abandon it because he can’t bear to see it anymore.”
*Taken from Formsante magazine.