The question is clear: Are you committed or dependent in your relationship? However, the answer is a bit complicated… Especially for us women who were born into a patriarchal society… Even though we start to live in more and more big cities, take more part in business life and even rise higher, we cannot convince ourselves of the idea of independence at first… And of course, when we are not convinced, The definition of “independent woman” can never find the place it deserves in our social dictionary… One of the places where the concepts of addiction and independence are most confusing is bilateral relations… We talked about our relationships and addictions with Clinical Psychologist Başak Tanrıverdi from Invivo Psychology.
First tied, then dependent
Psk. Başak Tanrıverdi says that in relationships, women usually first become attached to men and then they can become dependent, and adds: “Because we are a patriarchal society, there are certain adjectives given to women. When the concept of independence comes together with the word woman, it is not welcomed and is interpreted as a simple, irresponsible woman. However, for men, independence means power,” he says. Psk stated that this point of view became the learned helplessness of women after a while due to the communication of girls with their fathers, fathers’ different and more protective behavior towards their daughters, and the fact that they attach great importance to the concept of honour. Tanrıverdi said, “The daughter expects the same protective approach from her husband in the future, and that spouse is also suitable for this due to her upbringing. Since boys grow up with the knowledge that being ‘dependent’ means henpecked, they have to pretend to be independent even when they want to be dependent. This actually creates a big psychological problem for men. The system maintains itself in this way. As the woman compromises her independence in this way, the man becomes active, a false identity is formed, and he turns into someone he is not. “I generally see marriages in Turkey this way,” he says.
Working is not enough
Women’s entry into business life, which was once dominated only by men, does not actually change the system much. The distribution of roles and learnings that women have inherited now cause confusion. Psk. Başak Tanrıverdi stated that what is important is not whether women work or not and said, “We also know women who work from morning to evening, go home and get beaten by their husbands, and then pay their husbands to have fun. Of course, women’s employment is a huge step, especially for the new generation. However, women still remain passive when it comes to money. Money, which is the symbol of power, should be in the hands of men. If a woman earns a higher salary than her husband, she feels uneasy. If he works and his child is at home, he feels remorse. “For these reasons, we cannot yet say that a working woman is an independent woman.”
Men also have addictions
So how independent are men really? Psk. Tanriverdi says this should also be discussed. Although research shows that women get depressed more often, it turns out that it is actually men who get depressed after divorce. When a man is no longer in her life, a woman can continue her life, keeping the house organized, cooking food on the stove, and taking care of the children, while the man has a hard time because he is used to being ready. In this sense, it seems that men have also become dependent on women. The only difference is that men are not very aware of this because of the power society gives them. Even if they are aware, they pretend not to be worried about being ostracized.
Are you truly independent?
While we see ourselves as independent women of modern society, it is possible to suddenly look at our relationship and realize that we are actually “dependent”… Being dependent in a relationship always means compromising yourself, putting everything on the other party, and trying to fulfill their wishes. If you are happy with your life, if you can do what you want to do and if you do not worry about it, if you believe that you can stand on your own feet without your husband, you can talk about love, affection and commitment. Psk. Tanrıverdi says that the role of motherhood can also cause confusion in women, that many women who become mothers attribute too much “I” to themselves, and while society sanctifies motherhood, mothers can hold on to the expression “I am a mother” too much, and even subconsciously cover up their problems with their spouses and try to achieve what they want through the child. . At this stage, the mother becomes dependent on the child. If the child does not turn out to be what the mother dreamed of, it is depression that knocks on the door again. Psk. Tanrıverdi said, “If a woman works, does the job she wants, can change herself as she wishes, stands on her own feet, establishes balance in her relationships with her partner, her husband, her partner’s family, and allows her child to exist as herself, she is an independent woman who can stand and that relationship is dependent on dependency.” “It is not a relationship of commitment,” he says. Although this definition includes the phrase “doing the job she wants”, in fact, a woman’s independence does not require her to work. While there may be relationships where people earn a lot of money but it doesn’t mean anything when they come home, there are also women who take care of their children even though they are not working or divorced, who pick themselves up quickly even if they get depressed, and who know that they have a lot more to do in life for themselves and their children.
Relationship addicts
We also see women who cannot do without being in a constant relationship. Maybe we are one of them. Factors such as the woman’s loving relationship with her parents and her first relationship experience play a role here. If you cannot live without someone else, if you are afraid that your current partner will leave your life, if you wonder what you will do if he/she leaves, if you want to break up but cannot do so due to fear of loneliness and if you are constantly waiting for approval, you may suspect relationship addiction.
If there is no man, there is shopping
When talking about women and addiction, it is impossible not to think of shopping addictions… Here too, there is definitely an issue underlying the desire to be attached to something. Although this issue may vary for everyone, a common way to suppress it is shopping addiction. Cleaning addiction also occurs for similar reasons. Underneath it all lies the coding of false schemas in the subconscious. However, when it comes to addiction in relationships, this is not as noticeable as in other issues. On the contrary, it is appreciated that a woman is dependent on a man. Men also prefer these women. Independent women are loved neither by their peers nor by men.
Beware of overly giving men
Sometimes, while you think you have a truly independent relationship, your partner may become dependent on you. Psk also gives tips on how to distinguish this. Başak Tanrıverdi gives the following: “Actually, we do not distinguish between men and women in addiction, but when we look at the relationships in Turkish society, we see that if the man is addicted, he can take the relationship to other dimensions. “They can be excessively giving both materially and spiritually, and behaviors such as the tendency to do whatever the woman says, confiscating the woman’s money, meddling with the woman, and being jealous occur.” Although relationships in which one party is independent and the other is dependent are unhealthy, they are actually the ones that last the longest. So what is the healthy state of being connected? “I cannot give clear rules for this,” said Psk. Tanrıverdi continues as follows: “A relationship in which both parties are in love and tolerance, think first about their own individuality and then the individuality of the other party, and where everyone can realize themselves, is satisfying, and the energy increases greatly.”
Test your relationship
You can review your relationship with the mini test prepared by Clinical Psychologist Başak Tanrıverdi.
1- Do you often worry that your relationship will be damaged and you will be abandoned?
A) Yes
B) No
2- Do thoughts like “My partner is everything to me, I can’t do without him” often cross your mind?
A) Yes
B) No
3- After you start a relationship with your partner, do you spend little time with your family, friends and surroundings and prefer to spend more time with your partner?
A) Yes
B) No
4- Do your expectations from your partner increase as time goes by?
A) Yes
B) No
5- Do you always insist on marriage or did you do it before marriage?
A) Yes
B) No
6- Do you often compromise your own personality, lifestyle or profession for your partner?
A) Yes
B) No
7- Do you try to change or control your partner?
A) Yes
B) No
8- Do you frequently experience depressive symptoms, lack of self-confidence, and feelings of inadequacy?
A) Yes
B) No
9- Does one partner in your relationship want to keep the other partner under control?
A) Yes
B) No
10- Is one partner in your relationship always demanding, while the other is always giving?
A) Yes
B) No
YESIf ‘s are in the majority, be careful! You need help finding yourself. Remember, individuals are addicted, not relationships. Know that you are not alone, 5-10 percent of the society shares the same process with you. You can get support to increase self-esteem and gain awareness about your relationship.
*Taken from Formsante magazine.