WRITING: BARAN ALIŞKAN
The waves crashing on the shore at sunset, the hit song playing in the background that will mark this summer, and a heart waiting to set sail for a new love behind the squinted horizon… ruthlessly sifting through with the button. It won’t happen, this won’t happen, it won’t happen… Scorpio signs are vindictive, Cancer is very in love, Pisces is too emotional. No, it should be taller, not tall. her body? Well, we wouldn’t say no to a swimmer’s body. Blonde like Kivanc or brunette like Kenan? As the filters chase the filters, possible loves will be added to your ‘wish list’ and the words will spill from your lips just after the sun goes down: Surely we will meet one day. We trust Zeki Müren but really ‘when will we meet my dear?’ We do not hesitate to ask. Heartbreaks were repaired, some things were settled, the impossible happened and the final preparations were completed to set sail for a new love. Those who encounter love at first sight can go directly to the last item. -We are not all that lucky.- We were saying final preparations… Now it’s time to decide on the port we will arrive at while the wind of flirting has filled our sails. But at this point, for some reason, we get too attached to some criteria. Could it be that past experiences, popular culture and manipulations of our social environment are preventing us from reaching possible love with the red lines of unlimited boundaries? The decisions we make in the light of our likes and tastes send most possibilities to outer space with the ‘ignore’ button. While waiting to swim in the fun waters of dating, we encounter the same people and similar endings. The problem is probably not really them, but us.
A LOVELY IN THE SPACE
Anyone who wants to experience a new love is free to choose their partner according to their own tastes and likes. At this point, there will definitely be some criteria. From the suit he wears to his style of dressing, from his appearance to his diction, and even the voltage of sexual tension can be one of the criteria in question. We can add political views, horoscope compatibility, literary taste and favorite coffees to these items. Although these requests may seem like an innocent pursuit of harmony at first, at the end of the day, they are a very restrictive method for finding the ‘ideal’ partner. Yes, those who know what they want are always more advantageous, but; What if the candidate dragged into outer space by these filters really is the person we’re looking for? It may be time to say ‘clear’ for all filters.
FIRST MEETING SIMULATION
On this path we walk with those who have narrowly missed happiness and have not yet found happiness, we say ‘good luck’ to those who have already entered the path of the heart and continue. Now we want you to stop and think for a moment. What features do you notice first when meeting someone new?
The next question is, what criteria does the other person have to meet to get a passing grade? Next question, how did you make sure these were the ‘correct’ criteria? Let’s imagine a first date. Whether our heroes are on a matchmaking app, a recommendation from a friend, or a duo who met through social media… On both sides of the table, there are two pairs of eyes deftly weighing each other, a mind that analyzes the other person quickly, and two hearts beating hastily. Coffees were drunk, pre-made jokes were made, a few small compliments were put in between, some common words were spoken, there was even a small discussion about who would pay the bill that came to the table. After the meeting, one of the parties was very impressed with the other, and he compared some of his features to his ex-girlfriend with whom he had bad experiences. The other side had a pleasant meeting, although not so faintly, and almost ‘why not?’ reached the point. Then the WhatsApp group wrote the following message: ‘It’s not bad, but it looks like her hair is a little sparse… It didn’t look like that in the photos.’ At the end of this story, the two could not meet and come together because of these criteria, which are great for them but ineffective for humanity. Now they will continue to live as a ‘possibility’ until the first Instagram post one of the parties will share with their new lover.
FILL YOUR LOVE BASKET
A familiar story continues to be repeated every day with different lead roles. Possible relationships turn possible partners into impossible with the filters we add unknowingly. All the factors that make up our perspective on the world also shape our perspective on relationships. According to Clinical Psychologist Beliz Göncü, people who are close to the profile we idealize get caught in our perception filter and therefore we focus our attention on that person. “People who can meet the meanings that are valuable to us in the social environment are on our radar. Whatever concept we value, such as political opinion, supported sports club, worldview, we share with people who have similar ideas on a common ground, positively affect our choices. We enjoy being with people with whom we share something in common. Here again, knowing what one’s own needs are plays an important role. We all shape our relationships around our needs. The differences in individual needs form our expectations from the relationship.” This is how we understand why we chose people who are similar to ourselves and fit our criteria. But why do we pay so much attention to certain traits in potential partners? Ps. Beliz Göncü likens relationships to a grocery basket. “When you go to the market, you add as much as you need to your basket in line with the products of the dinner you will cook for dinner. Other products are out of your interest. Relationships are like that too… Whichever need is at the forefront, we add it to our basket and we prefer to be in relationships that will satisfy that need. Although the products in everyone’s basket have similar needs, their quantities may differ from each other. For example, if trust is at the forefront for someone, they behave in this way and expect to be satisfied by seeing similar behaviors.” We keep this information in our basket and smash the rudder into those possibilities we missed.
‘OUR STORY WOUNDED AT THE HEART…’
As we glide softly on the road we know, we hold on to the dream of ‘new beginnings’ in familiar ideas, similar experiences and circles we can’t get out of. Our social environment, which has turned into an echo chamber, our algorithmic homepages, and the beauty/handsomeness standards masterfully crafted into our minds turn into an invisible barrier. Despite this, we watch movies with happy endings with sweet coincidences many times, or we get lost in the surprises in the love stories we listen to. Surprises and unexpected events appear as unpredictable miracles that make us feel alive. If we went back to that table, maybe we could analyze better now that she didn’t look like her ex or that the hair in question wasn’t that sparse. These artificial filters that prevented us from leaving our safe space were the only barriers to possible love. Right now, someone may be saying goodbye because they don’t like the cult production Friends with their possible dating or because they listen to Turkish pop music. However, after Friends, they could both realize that they love Seinfeld and burst into laughter with The Office. Maybe they could even accompany Serdar Ortaç, the uncrowned prince of pop music, with the words ‘his heart is wounded…’ on a summer night. Could true love be hidden behind all the traits we label as negative? Why not!
Based on the energy of the sun and our belief in love, we offer you to explore the world behind all your criteria. In the most exciting moment of dating, we throw away those criteria that make us skip getting to know the potential partner. We find the unique story and truly self-knowledge of everyone in this world worth knowing. We’re leaving the ‘discover’ tab, which we have chosen for you, one of the young and beautiful, with photoshop capabilities, and we remove the invisibility cloak on sparse hair. At the same time, we would like to underline that you are unfair to the Aries signs who have upset you in the past. Really, what does the sky have to do with that fight? Aries signs, names ending with ‘can’ or ‘water’, bankers, advertisers, those who live with their families, those who have tattoos, those who listen to arabesque, senior university students, newly divorced, those who want to experience the second spring, will be their first lover and have different characteristics. we call it ‘equal opportunity in love’ time for everyone. If there is no official statement that the height of happiness should be 180 cm or more, you should not insist on measuring the height of your potential love. We hope that red roses will be placed on your red lines, ‘good luck’ will be added to your criteria and you will find happiness in the future. Isn’t it really time to meet?
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