Dr. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman are co-founders of The Gottman Institute and Love Lab. The two psychologists, who have been married for over 35 years, are known for their work on relationships. Here is the number 1 secret of a successful relationship according to them…
THE SECRET NUMBER 1 OF SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP ACCORDING TO PSYCHOLOGISTS
Dr. John and Julie Schwarts Gottman wrote in their article for CNBC, “We’ve studied more than 40,000 couples who are about to start couples therapy. We’ve also been happily married for 35 years, so we know a thing or two about successful relationships. In a lab study, couples were only 15 years old. “After observing for a few minutes, we were able to predict with 94% accuracy whether a marriage would last.”
According to them, one of the biggest determining factors in relationships is a couple’s “front” how often to their spouses instead “directed” was. So, what does the psychologist couple mean here?
Their descriptions are as follows:
When a couple turns to each other, they make and respond to what we call “link offers”. Offers can range from small things like trying to get your attention by saying your name to big things like meeting deeper needs. The happiest couples are savvy enough to realize their partner is making an offer. If necessary, they stop what they are doing at that moment.
Here is an example: “Oh, that’s an interesting article,” your wife says, swiping her phone.
You can respond in one of three ways:
-Orienting: So by accepting this link offer: Oh yeah… About what? participating in connection attempts: “Oh yes? What is this about?”
-Ignoring: The second answer might be to ignore it… For example, you keep typing the email you were working on while looking at your screen.
-Reacting: Frustrated or angry, stopping any attempts to connect: “Can’t you see I’m trying to work?”
According to the doctor couple, this act of turning creates a sense of love and teamwork that helps strengthen the foundation of a lasting relationship. Of course, this may not always be the case.
REMARKABLE RESULT IN THE LABORATORY STUDY
But the psychologist couple says, “Our lab study found that couples who stayed together for at least six years turned to each other 86% of the time. Divorces were only 33%.”
Here’s how they recommend, and they say, “If you’re dating and wondering what’s next, or if you’ve been married for 50 years, these apps will help. All you need is a willingness to try.”
MAKE A 10-MINUTE CHECK
Choose a time when you can listen and be in no rush. It could be in the morning, while drinking coffee before work, or in the evening, after putting the kids to bed.
Ask them this simple question: “Do you have a need that you want from me today?”
This gets your partner thinking about their needs and shows that you want to be around. It also gives them hope that if they point out what they need, you will try to respond positively. Make a real effort to meet your partner’s needs.
‘LIKE SAVING MONEY’
Think of every possible moment of connection or interaction as something valuable, like hoarding a coin. Watch out for these invitations to connect:
- Eye contact
- a smile
- a sigh
- Asking for your help or attention directly
- Saying “Good morning” or “Good night”
- ask for a favor
- Reading something out loud to you: “Hey can you listen to this”
- Pointing at something: “Look at that!”
- calling from another room
- looking sad
- Carrying something physically heavy on one’s own
- look angry
DON’T GIVE UP YET
-If he makes an offer to do it with you and you are not available: Do not ignore the request. Briefly explain why you are unavailable: “I would really like this, but right now [X] I need to do. Can we talk about that after I finish my meeting?
– If you make an offer and there is no response: Keep trying. But if it’s a pattern, state: “I don’t want to criticize, but I’m trying to reach you. What is preventing you from responding right now?” (They may be busy, stressed, or overwhelmed.)
-When a negative offer is made: Your partner’s proposal can sometimes sound like they’re trying to start a fight (for example, “You wouldn’t even think of making dinner tonight, would you?”). Ignore the negativity and respond to the deeper, secret offer: “I see, you’re so tired. I would love to cook dinner and rest you.”
CONTENT YOU MAY ATTENTION