If you’re feeling miserable, cramped, or uncomfortable, you’re obviously leaving your self-confidence out of the bedroom.
There is an attractive man in front of you who loves you very much and you are in love with. It’s time to level up your togetherness. You prepared for that night as if you felt it. Everything is very nice… After dinner alone, you had fun in a club and yes you will be together tonight. Then all your dreams fall into the water. Because despite all your partner’s efforts, you can’t open yourself up. There could be many reasons for this. One of them is your lack of sexual self-confidence. So why are you experiencing this when everything is fine? Is it necessary to look for the answer to this question in the past, not in the present?
Stating that the foundations of self-confidence are laid in childhood, between the ages of 0-3, when the core of our personality is formed, Specialist Psychologist-Psychotherapist Esra Erdoğan said, “Trust or insecurity is primarily formed by attachment. “The mother-child relationship is the foundation for adulthood, and the consequences of mistakes made here affect all of life.”
One of the sharp bends in personality development, especially in terms of sexual identity, is considered to be adolescence, that is, the period between the ages of 13-21. During this period, a balanced identity and the virtue of loving are formed. Thus, the feeling and consciousness of truly loving and accepting is provided. At this stage, the child understands that love is a virtue and its importance in identity formation.
This period also coincides with the days when sexuality began to be the most heated and the identity crisis was tried to be overcome with external appearance. Children in this period always want to be accepted and liked. In adolescence, the circle of friends sends the message “You are worthless” to the adolescent, and even worse, if this message overlaps with the implicit or explicit message given by the family since childhood, this situation inevitably reflects on his whole life. The place of this reflection in sexual life can go as far as sexual coldness, feeling of being used, not being able to orgasm, disliking oneself and not going to bed with the belief that the other party does not deserve it. The disliked person starts to dislike himself and enters into a vicious circle.
FIRST STAGE ACCEPT YOURSELF!
Psychologist Esra Erdoğan stated that having self-confidence in bed means full self-acceptance and said, “If a person likes his body, it makes it easier. But it’s not about the person we’re talking about being beautiful or ugly, it’s about how he sees himself. For example, a person who is beautiful but can see himself as ugly is not at peace with himself, while someone who likes his body very much despite being overweight can be at peace with himself. On the other hand, he also needs to feel safe. Whether it’s a partner or a spouse… It is important to trust the other person, to accept him/her and to know that he/she is accepted. But this shouldn’t be a selfish love either… Because if a person is unhappy with himself, what he gives or receives is always unhappiness and uneasiness. Remember, our partner may change in the future; The only person you can’t change in that bed is you. Therefore, the person who goes to bed with these thoughts, feelings such as mutual acceptance, love, and feeling that he is unique, attains a good sex life.”
PEACE WITH YOUR BODY
Being at peace with your own body is one of the most important keys to happiness. Psychologist Erdoğan, who says, “The important thing is not how one looks physically from the outside, but how one sees and feels in the mirror”, continues his words as follows: Although he can see his own shortcomings. They may even find themselves ugly. Therefore, the person who is not at peace with himself also contracts in bed. This naturally brings with it a contracted body and mood. It is difficult to orgasm with a tense body and soul. Because orgasm requires a peak and then being able to relax. In order to come to that relaxation, the woman must be able to let go of herself, to experience surrender.”
Although she is desired by many and her husband is a very desirable man, the couple’s marriage has gone through significant problems due to the depression that Angelina Jolie had. Stating that what Brad Pitt said in an interview at that time should set an example for all spouses experiencing such problems, psychologist Erdoğan says: If a man truly loves his wife and wants to win her over, he has to act like Brad Pitt did.
There are also important roles for women here. First of all, people should never stop taking care of themselves after getting married. When both sides are examined, it is seen that they are in front of their lover in the most stylish and well-groomed state during the dating period, while they are walking around the house in a T-shirt and a tracksuit after they get married. This causes the sexual image to fade gradually in the eyes of the opposite sex. The situation I describe also applies to people who do not experience depression. The person observes this situation, which is passed with social learning, in his family, but this needs to change. Especially women must learn to say me first! He needs to enjoy his own body in bed while making love. “I don’t know if I can orgasm,” as many say, is the same as saying I can’t read or write.”
PAST TRAUMAS ARE COMING TO THE WATER
The lack of sexual self-confidence in one of the partners deeply affects the course of the relationship. For example, if there is a condition such as vaginismus or frigidity, it is necessary to look at the history of the woman at this point. A woman who has been abused can push this situation into her subconscious. Psychologist Esra Erdoğan states that this incident experienced by the woman years later, when she will be with her husband after her marriage, can manifest itself with painful sexual intercourse: “When these people come to therapy, nothing seems to happen. Their relationship started with a nice flirtation, and there is love, affection, communication and commitment. However, at the root of such problems, if there is no physical problem, lies one or more traumas that are remembered or not remembered at a rate of 75-80%. Intense psychotherapy is required to resolve these.”
EDUCATION IS REQUIRED IN TREATMENT!
Psychotherapy and education are of great importance in the treatment of the reflection of lack of trust, which can even lead to the end of relationships, on sexual life. Stating that the person should meet with a therapist of his/her choice, apply the information he/she receives from him/her until the next session, and implement the given assignments, Psychologist Erdoğan underlines that this is not a problem that will get results in a short time: It’s a process. Learning first, then education. What is the difference if you say; You have to read or speak to learn. But putting this into action and putting it into practice constitutes the education process. Therefore, a person completes his/her education when he/she can put what he/she has learned into practice, put it into action, and put it into practice.”
The reflection of lack of self-confidence in bed in men can be in the form of performance anxiety. On the basis of this situation, if there is no physical problem and it is caused by some psychological problems, it is necessary to look at childhood and adolescence. Mentioning that the first experiences of men usually start with a professional under the pressure of the environment, psychologist Erdoğan said, “But this develops in the form of allowing the other party to be with him rather than a relationship. This causes the belief that only their own satisfaction is sufficient by generalizing the first established relationship type, although they feel bad about themselves. A man who has learned to establish a relationship incorrectly considers sexuality as a duty he must do, but also sees his own ejaculation as sufficient. When the situation is so simplified, men who cannot learn how to ensure the happiness of women in their relationships evaluate sexuality on the vagina-penis plane, which often cannot move beyond believing in the role of female orgasm.
* Taken from Formsanté magazine.