Relationship and Marriage Specialist Dr. Julie and Dr. John Gottman has been pondering relationships, marriage and love for many years. There is a 7-day homework they offer to many families whose marriages are shaken. “Over the next week, you can change your relationship for the better and do it right away, in small steps. For 7 days we will ask you to learn seven new habits. They will be easy, fast and fun. There will be no grand gestures or grand speeches. These apps will help you if you are dating or have been married for 35 years like us. By making and maintaining these small changes, you can make your love last forever. For a great start, reboot or course correction is our kit. All you have to start with is the willingness to try,” they say.
Here is the 7-day homework they recommend:
MONDAY
Tip #1: Turn around
“One of the most important discoveries of our 50 years of work is what we call ‘connection offers’. This is when a person tries to initiate a small connection with another by making an offer. This can be physical or verbal, overt or covert, and their partner then responds in one of three ways. They either turn to that offer, turn away or turn against it.How does this look in practice? Look at your partner’s newspaper and say, ‘Oh, that’s an interesting article. This is an offer for communication.
Looking back at the data, 33% of divorced couples We see that this rate is 86 percent for couples who are still in a relationship. people’s wives communication and connection offers How they react is actually the biggest indicator of happiness and relationship stability.
Think of every move you make toward your partner’s desire to communicate, even as fleeting as responding to a smile with a smile, like tossing a coin into your love piggy bank.
Today’s homework:
Be on the lookout for small offers you can link to. (Some are like this)
- Eye contact.
- A smile.
- Do not seek direct help or attention.
- It means good morning or good night.
- Asking for a favor.
- Reading something out loud to you: ‘Hey, listen to this…’
- Pointing at something: ‘Look at this!’
TUESDAY
ask a big question
The doctor couple said, “We are talking about creating love maps in our work with couples. ‘Love map’ By we mean an intimate knowledge of your partner’s inner world. Your hopes and dreams. their beliefs; their fears; their desires. You should ask questions not only to create love maps, but also to update them.
As time goes on, we stop asking each other these big things and instead just ask the little questions: ‘Did you take out the garbage?’ ‘Did the dog go to the vet?’ Any relationship is a process of meeting again and again over the years. “To understand your partner, it’s important to keep these ‘love maps’ as we call them up to date,” she says.
Today’s homework:
Ask something meaningful. Consider these questions to get you going:
- What are the things you can’t achieve in your life?
- How have you changed in the last year?
- What are some of your dreams in life right now?
- If you could transform into any animal for 24 hours, which would you choose and why?
- If you could design the perfect home for us, what would it look like?
- If you could wake up tomorrow with three new skills, which would you choose?
WEDNESDAY
thank you too
For a long time in the field of couples counseling, therapists assumed that unhappy couples were unhappy because they didn’t treat each other very well during a typical day. They would prescribe ‘positive days’ to each other to practice incremental acts of kindness. Very quickly, they gave up on the idea because it didn’t work.
It turns out that people in general treat each other well. They just didn’t notice the good things their wives did. Unhappy married couples missed 50 percent of these positive things. Happy married couples weren’t just doing more than unhappy married couples. they were better off seeing their wives do these things.
As life goes on, it’s easy to just see what they didn’t do or do badly and get trapped. Shrinking the sweater instead of doing the laundry; Forget about rosemary instead of buying lamb chops.
Change its default settings and look for the right one. You will see how fast the dynamic between the two of you will develop.
Today’s homework:
First step: Become an anthropologist. Take a close look at your partner today. Write down everything she does positive (she made breakfast, made you coffee and called all morning) but don’t write down the negatives (ignoring the pile of laundry on the stairs). Notice how your partner shows kindness, generosity, and courage.
Second step: Say thank you for something routine. Something they do right, even if it’s small, every day – in fact, especially if it’s small and they do it every day! Tell them why this little thing is important to you.
THURSDAY
make a true compliment
Here’s what Dr Couple suggested: Data from 3,000 couples, some of whom we’ve followed for more than two decades, showed that couples who happily stay together can easily name certain qualities they love and appreciate about their partner.
Masters of love have no less flaws than we do.
But what they’re best at is seeing the good qualities of their partners. It’s about the forces that break a relationship, the strongest of which is contempt. becomes an impenetrable armor against it.
Humiliation emerges from the pattern of negative thinking and criticism towards your partner, and It is the number 1 indicator of divorce.
Today’s homework:
- First step: If you were to make an oral portrait of your partner, what words would you choose? Circle three to five options: Warm / Funny / Generous / Calm / Creative / Passionate / Intense / Lively / Thoughtful / Adventurous / Fun-loving / Playful / Intelligent / Perceptual / Cultivating / Sexy / Intelligent / Talented / Affectionate / Competent / Charming / Wise / Affectionate / Thoughtful / Attractive / Trustworthy / Flexible / Supportive / Curious / Interesting / Gentle / Courageous / Open / Docile / Sensitive
- Second step: Notice how your partner embodies these qualities whenever you are together today.
- third step: Express it! How often do you convey to your partner the key, essential things you love and appreciate about him/her? Do more.
FRIDAY
tell me what you need
The explanation of this article is as follows: We all have needs. We all have desires. But we don’t tell them. We leave hints and hope you ‘just know’. We tell ourselves a story about why they should be able to figure it out without us having to tell them (“This is obvious! It’s just common sense!’).
We feel resentful when our partner cannot meet these needs. We begin to believe that our partners don’t care, that they only care about themselves, that they are too busy when it comes to us, or that they no longer value the relationship. We also criticize them. When we accumulate resentment and criticism instead of just asking for what we need, at some point the dam needs to be broken. As this situation accumulates, so does the hustle and bustle and more problems.
But all this can be avoided by doing this simple thing: Say what you need.
Today’s homework:
First step: Reflect. What do you need or want? Think about what you expect from your partner. Are you dying to spend more time with him? Need help with housework? Need more support as you pursue your career? Do you need to hear the word ‘I love you’ more often?
Second step: Identify yourself. Ask what you need by always talking about how you are feeling.
‘I miss you. Can we spend time together tonight without phone and TV?’
‘I feel very tired today. Can you cook dinner so I can rest for a few minutes?’
‘I love being touched by you. Hug me.’
SATURDAY
Apply the mini touch
The doctor couple says: There is no magic number, no set data point for how much sex you need to have in order to have a wonderful, satisfying, long-lasting relationship. What we do know is that successful couples use the power of touch the most to keep the fire of love alive. They touch while cooking, cleaning, talking about the weather.
Positive, friendly, comforting, non-sexual touch is great for all of us in many ways, including stimulating a libido that may be in a new and less active phase. For many (if not all) men, sexual desire leads to contact. For many women (again, not all), contact leads to sexual desire.
Today’s homework:
It’s about creating as many moments of physical connection as possible. How many of these can you collect in a day?
- Kiss – six seconds.
- Hug – 20 seconds.
- Hold your hands as long as you want.
- Do a ten-minute massage. One person sits on the sofa, the other on the floor. Then switch places.
- Cuddle on the couch.
- Touch each other’s hands or arms while speaking.
- Put your hand on your partner’s shoulder if he’s stressed.
- Tap the foreheads.
- Touch their feet under the table.
SUNDAY
Set your own hours
The explanation of this article is as follows: Let’s talk about loneliness in marriage. It sounds negative, but it’s a fact of life for many couples. We may spend years or decades together, raising children and occupying the same space, but instead of sharing one life, we live parallel lives.
Spending time together is a working antidote.
Making a firm commitment to spend time together It’s like building a stronghold for the two of you against the constant onslaught of the world. – all requests, work to be done; chores and errands. No extra this time. This is not a bonus or reward. It’s an investment.
Today’s homework:
Set up special days to spend time alone. It may not necessarily be going to a restaurant. At home, you can create special ambiences for the two of you, where you will be alone.
- No screen, no phone
- Make sure you both follow the plan.
- Don’t think it will end with sex.
- If someone needs to talk about what’s stressing them out, be open about it. Tonight doesn’t have to be perfect or go a certain way.
- Don’t make it a social engagement. Make sure it’s just the two of you.
- Are you nervous that you haven’t really spoken to each other for a week, a month, a year, um, ten years? Do it anyway.