Writing: Baran Aliskan
“It’s not always easy; making love without loving, getting to know a body slowly…” When Teoman, one of the iconic names of Turkish rock music, wrote these words, we were accompanying ourselves with an expression of approval about how right he was. Do you think these words were inspired by the concept of demisexuality? Although it was not named in those years, this is a very familiar story. Shall we begin?
At a party in the usual glamorous Istanbul night, perhaps while reading your favorite romance novel in a coffee shop in one of the most popular districts of the last period… While you are getting caught up in the rhythm of the music in a bar or while you are on the beach… This topic can suddenly come to your attention. Because there is someone around you who wants to attract your attention. (There certainly is!) Yes, he’s probably been on his radar for minutes and waiting for a chance to meet you. Even though she’s planning a sensual night, she doesn’t know yet that she has to wait a while, does she? Now we can ask the question out loud and start looking for the answer. Can we be demisexual?
We take into account the period we live in and we accept that the acquaintance chapter has become much easier. Of course, sexual intimacy also gets its share from this speed in direct proportion. These days, when we watch with surprise that the concept of ‘fast sex’ has turned into a rising star in our fast-paced city life, if our topic is demisexuality, things may not be going as expected on your side. Yes, it may not always be easy for you, making love without love. Social pressure and when you put your head on the pillow at night, you ask ‘Why do I feel like this?’ We are looking for an answer.
The concept of demisexuality, which first appeared in the Asexual Visibility and Education Network in 2008, is used for people who cannot feel sexual desire without establishing an emotional bond with the other person. If one night stands are not for you, if you are one of those people who pay attention to factors such as second sexual attraction, romance, intimacy and social position, we can continue.
Valuing and being valued is more important
Demisexuals experience hormones and emotions in direct proportion and need an emotional connection to be aroused. It should be underlined that they are not only interested in physical appearance, but also give more importance to emotional frequency. It is more important for them to value and see. We wouldn’t be wrong to say that they couldn’t bring lust to the fore until then. In fact, demisexuals even think they don’t like sex until they discover it themselves. According to sex therapist Holly Richmond, a non-demisexual person can feel sexual attraction within seconds. He adds that this does not mean that non-demisexual people have lower moral values. For them, emotions take the first place, not a shapely body. A walk hand in hand at sunset or a quiet stroll in an art gallery can make demisexuals happier. Because for them, sex is not a goal, it’s an outcome for which souls dance!
Demisexuals, who don’t seem too enthusiastic about sex, are often confused with asexuals. At this point, it is useful to mention some differences. First of all, demisexuals feel sexual desire. Just because they’re more cautious than someone who turns their need for sex into a fire with every spark doesn’t mean they don’t have sexual desires. If we take into account that making love derives from the verb to love, it is necessary to justify that demisexuals need time. Asexuality is defined as a person’s lack of sexual desire or attraction to either sex. This concept has become extremely popular in the last 10 years. Who knows, maybe we will talk about demisexuality more often in the future!
What about the ‘Am I demisexual?’ were you able to answer the question? Sexologist Rayka Kumru states that in order to understand whether one is demisexual, one must first be honest with oneself during personal exploration. It also takes into account the difficulty in sex-negative societies like Türkiye. In other words, these issues are still not talked about comfortably in our society. Kumru also adds that we all have a sexual identity and that all sexual existences are equally normal and healthy. In addition, Kumru says, “Whether it is understood or not, whether it is liked or not, people have the right to live their lives in an authentic, pressure-free and healthy way that will reflect their own feelings, orientation, expression and being.”
Need list: Passion, romance and trust
Of course, in addition to the passion and romance we need when establishing an emotional bond, trust is among our sine qua non. It is not possible to say that everything is ok when we tick these requirements while questioning the demisexuality criteria. These criteria can only be seen as an impetus for sexual intimacy. The driving forces followed by the already developed emotional intimacy complete the prerequisite. From that point on, you don’t need us; You can trust your instincts. Of course, it’s also normal to feel attracted to someone you trust and have a strong emotional attachment to—perhaps a good friend—by putting romance in the background. Beyond Friend, one of our favorite romantic comedies starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, can be shown as a good reference in this regard. The duo, who met in business life, set sail for a happy togetherness by surrendering their stronger bond to the attraction between them. us? We wish to be the protagonist of such a story by sighing on the screen.
For those who think they are demisexual and question their feelings, we leave the word to Expert Clinical Psychologist Pelin Hazer. Hazer, a clinician who works extensively in sexual therapies, states that there are two types of sexual interest and lack of desire. It is also noted that there are some differences between men and women. The primary lack of sexual interest/desire starts from adolescence and continues throughout life. It emerges as a natural result of oppression and prohibitions from an early age, and as a result, alienation occurs with the suppression of sexual motives. Secondary sexual interest/desire is mostly explained by the fact that the relationship with the partner is not satisfactory. Depression can also be observed as a result of chronic stress and anxiety.
Sexual satisfaction and emotional bond are directly proportional.
Clinical Psychologist Hazer states that this word has not yet been accepted as a diagnosis due to the lack of studies on demisexuality. However, he says that it has also been scientifically proven that the sexual satisfaction felt by the person’s emotional bond with his partner increases. Demisexuality, on the other hand, focuses on the possibility that sexual desire may decrease after a traumatic experience and the need to feel a very intense emotional connection afterwards. He also adds that masturbation and fantasies will be of great help in self-discovery. Understanding what we desire can be seen as a good first step. It wouldn’t hurt to listen to ourselves, would it? Don’t you wonder why people need a label like demisexuality? Hazer evaluates this situation as follows: “People don’t like uncertainty. Every person who notices something in himself, whether good or bad, wants to enter a category. They can feel understood by meeting with people in the same category.”
Now let’s go back to the beginning. Let’s talk about the person you’re on your radar while you’re on the beach, at the coffee shop, at the bar where you get caught up in the rhythm of the music, or at a party with your friends. Everyone talks about how he likes you very much and how sexy he is (They’re usually sexy). You can be demisexual or asexual. It may even be that you just don’t feel like it for the moment. Why can’t you be honest? Talk about your feelings instead of embarrassing yourself. Of course, we assume that you agree that you will listen to expert opinions to discover yourself. You better act freely, as you feel. Enjoy loving and making love. About to meet in one of the possible scenarios!
Like a movie…
Beyond Friend, one of our favorite romantic comedies starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, can be shown as a good reference in this regard.