In their article for CNBC, Jessica Griffin and Pepper Schwartz outline the behaviors that lead to a dead end in relationships.
According to the article, psychologist Dr. Based on his research on 40,000 couples, John Gottman has identified the four types of communication that are most problematic in relationships.
- Disdain: Showing that we don’t respect the person we’re with (for example, nicknames, rolling eyes, teasing).
- Criticism: Attacking the partner’s character.
- Advocacy: Avoiding criticism by using excuses or diverting the blame.
- Carving, walling: Ignoring, distracting, or withdrawing from communication by pretending to be busy.
Gottman says the biggest indicator of a failed relationship between these four is disdain.
What does humiliation look like?
Humiliation is more than criticism or saying something negative. One of the partners claims to be smarter or better than the other. The other person feels worthless and unloved. For example, constantly interrupting the other person is disrespectful. But interruption becomes disrespectful when it’s a statement that the partner has nothing interesting or important to say, rather than a desire to speak. When such behaviors become frequent; when it goes unnoticed or done on purpose – any relationship is in trouble.
How does contempt destroy relationships?
Humiliation makes it impossible for partners to feel like they have each other’s backs. Couples are now rivals. They never know when they will be attacked.
Contempt isn’t just bad for relationships, it’s also bad for our health. We need each other to survive. Contempt cuts or threatens these ties with other people.
Studies have shown that people who use condescension in their communications have higher rates of illness, including cancer, heart disease, and other illnesses such as the common cold or flu.
How can you eliminate condescension in your relationship?
1. Identify and share negative emotions
For example: “I can’t believe you canceled our date night to meet your friends. You are a selfish bastard. You never think about my feelings!” To avoid derogatory communication, use this formula instead:
- State how you feel: “I feel sorry for looking forward to spending time together.”
- Add a request: “I want to prevent this from happening in the future by talking about it before I change plans.”
- Invite your partner to chat: “Do you think we can do that?”
2. Create a culture of appreciation
Expressing our appreciation helps us recognize our partner’s positive qualities rather than their negative aspects. Ideally, we want our positive expressions and gestures to outweigh the negative ones – the magic ratio is one negative statement versus at least five positive statements or emotions.
Keep track of your communication patterns for a week. How often do you engage in negative interactions (e.g. criticizing, ignoring, etc) versus the positive (praising, complimenting, doing something nice for the other partner)? The next week, interact with your partner using the magic ratio. Do you feel different? You could also try making a list of 20 things you love about each other. Read them aloud and challenge yourself by adding them to the list over time.